【書摘】女逃亡者—阿爾貝蒂娜之死 (Albertine’s death) 13
Mes curiosités jalouses de ce qu’avait pu faire Albertine étaient infinies. J’achetai combien de femmes qui ne m’apprirent rien. Si ces curiosités étaient si vivaces, c’est que l’être ne meurt pas tout de suite pour nous, il reste baigné d’une espèce d’aura de vie qui n’a rien d’une immortalité véritable mais qui fait qu’il continue à occuper nos pensées de la même manière que quand il vivait. Il est comme en voyage. C’est une survie très païenne. Inversement, quand on a cessé d’aimer, les curiosités que l’être excite meurent avant que lui-même soit mort. Ainsi je n’eusse plus fait un pas pour savoir avec qui Gilberte se promenait un certain soir dans les Champs-Élysées. Or je sentais bien que ces curiosités étaient absolument pareilles, sans valeur en elles-mêmes, sans possibilité de durer, mais je continuais à tout sacrifier à la cruelle satisfaction de ces curiosités passagères, bien que je susse d’avance que ma séparation forcée d’avec Albertine, du fait de sa mort, me conduirait à la même indifférence qu’avait fait ma séparation volontaire d’avec Gilberte.
(l’édition Gallimard, Paris, 1946-47)
我那想探究阿爾貝蒂娜做過些什麼的妒性十足的好奇心是無邊無際的。我收買過好多女人，她們卻沒有向我提供任何消息。這種好奇心之所以如此恆久不衰，是因為對我們來說人並不可能倏忽死去，他仍舊沐浴在某種生命的光暈裡，這和真正的永生毫不相干，但這種光暈卻會使死者繼續佔據我們的思想，就像他在世時一樣。他彷彿出門旅行了。這是一種無神論式的生命不滅。與此相反，愛情如果已經停止了。在引起好奇心的人離開人世之前這種好奇心就會泯滅。因此我從沒有設法去打聽某個晚上希爾貝特究竟和誰在香榭麗舍大道散步。不過我清楚感到這類好奇心都是一個模式，它們本身並沒有什麼價值，也不可能維持很久。然而我仍舊甘願犧牲一切以令我痛苦的方式去滿足這些曇花一現的好奇心，儘管我事先已經明白，阿爾貝蒂娜之死逼使我與她分離同我和希爾貝特甘心情願分離一樣最終會使我把她淡忘。
(p.98 追憶似水年華 VI 女逃亡者 聯經版 1992)
My jealous curiosity as to what Albertine might have done was unbounded. I suborned any number of women from whom I learned nothing. If this curiosity was so keen, it was because people do not die at once for us, they remain bathed in a sort of aura of life in which there is no true immortality but which means that they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were travelling abroad. This is a thoroughly pagan survival. Conversely, when we have ceased to love her, the curiosity which the person arouses dies before she herself is dead. Thus I would no longer have taken any step to find out with whom Gilberte had been strolling on a certain evening in the Champs-Elysées. Now I felt that these curiosities were absolutely alike, had no value in themselves, were incapable of lasting, but I continued to sacrifice everything to the cruel satisfaction of this transient curiosity, albeit I knew in advance that my enforced separation from Albertine, by the fact of her death, would lead me to the same indifference as had resulted from my deliberate separation from Gilberte.
(Translated by C. K. Scott Moncrieff)
My jealous curiosity about what Albertine might have done was infinite. I paid who knows how many women, who taught me nothing. If my curiosity was so lively, it is because people do not die immediately for us, they remain bathed in a kind of aura of life which bears no relation to real immortality but which continues to occupy our thoughts in the same way as it did when they were alive. It is as if they had left on a voyage. Theirs is a very pagan survival. Conversely, when we have ceased to be in love, the curiosity aroused by the person we love dies even before the person herself does. Thus I would no longer have taken a single step to discover with whom Gilberte had gone for a walk on the Champs-Elysées on such and such an evening. And yet, even if I felt that such moments of curiosity were exactly similar, valueless in themselves and incapable of lasting, I continued to sacrifice everything to the cruel satisfaction of their passing pangs, despite knowing in advance that my separation from Albertine, enforced by her death, would lead me to the same state of indifference as had my intentional separation from Gilberte.
(Translated by Peter Collier)
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