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HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

2059年的新聞頭條

 
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
電動車產生的臭氧在全世界第七大國墨西福尼亞—以前的加利福尼亞，造成了數百萬人的死亡。

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. 
白人少數民族仍然嘗試要將英語成為墨西福尼亞認可的第三官方語言。

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern US crops & livestock. 
斑點貓頭鷹瘟疫威脅著美國西北部的穀物及牲畜。

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 
嬰兒自然產！科學家難倒了。

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
情侶向法院請願恢復異性戀婚姻。

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

伊朗仍然封閉，物理學家估計輻射​​降低到安全水平，將至少需要10年以上。

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! 
在牙買加接管後，法國懇求全球的協助。沒有其他國家挺身而出幫助這個處於困境的國家！

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
喬治·Z·布希說，他將競選2060年總統。

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 
郵局服務提高了第一級郵票的價格到17.89美元，以及減少郵件寄送服務僅在週三寄送。

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 
一項費時85年及758億美元的研究指出：飲食和運動是減肥的關鍵。

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 
美國人的平均體重降到了250磅（113.5公斤）。

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. 
全球冷化導致柑橘連續第三年在墨西福尼亞和佛羅魯巴的歉收。

*墨西福尼亞：加州被墨西哥人併了；佛羅魯巴：佛羅里達州被古巴人併了！

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a politician with their mouth shut. 
日本科學家發明了一種照相機，它的快門速度可以快到拍到政客閉上嘴的樣子。

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States.
墮胎診療服務現在已經在每一個美國的高中校園裡。

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. 
參議院仍然阻擋ANWR(Arctic National Wildlife Refuge，北極野生生物庇護所)的鑽探，儘管汽油售價為每公升4532批索，以及加油站的銷售只在星期二和星期五開放。

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. 
麻薩諸塞州處決了最後剩下保守黨人士。

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
最高法院裁定懲罰罪犯侵犯了他們的公民權利。

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They Had simultaneous Headaches.
終於有一對夫婦的性和諧。因為他們同時頭痛。

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children. 
現在NBA球員的平均身高是9尺7寸，以及平均3個私生子。

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060. 
新的聯邦法律要求所有指甲刀，螺絲刀，蒼蠅拍和捲起的報紙必須在2060年1月起開始登記。

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
國稅局規定最低稅率為75％。

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
佛羅魯巴選民的投票機仍然有問題。

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very, very scared. 

現在將這封信盡可能地寄給你想寄的人，愈多愈好，然後，猜猜看發生什麼事…[沒事]。沒有奇蹟、沒有錢錢，絕對沒事，除非你想讓某人大笑，或嚇到。

I Love This Country! 

我愛美國！

It's The Government That Scares Me! 

我愛這個讓我嚇到的政府！

Stop organized crime. Re-elect no one.

停止組織犯罪。別投給任何人！