他們給了我什麼藥，能使我恢復我的意識在半小時內從幾乎死了？我身體上沒覺得有什麼不舒服，當我第二天早上起床。

如果人們自殺不是由於精神疾病或藥物濫用障礙/紊亂，那麼他們很可能要結束他們的痛苦-情緒或身體上,如被人欺負，虐待，強姦，或經過其他創傷。我不認為人 們未必想死但要么無助或者想停止傷痛。我的問題是無助感，這是從某種意義上說沒有什麼可以改變的事情或解決我遇到的問題，請參看早期珍妮的故事。

我從藥店買了至少50安眠藥片。藥店座落於士林,緊鄰台北市我目前居住的地方。在當時台灣並不需要醫生開處方在藥店獲取任何藥物。這是在六月份在下午1點10分左右而是濕潤和陽光充足的日子。我覺得我是獨自一人在寂寞的街道上。我很害怕，我覺得人類靈魂的空虛而迷失方向，我哭了，因為我明白我將死，或離開當前的世界和我愛的人在一兩個小時。我出生在在一個掙扎的世界裡自從我來到這個世界，我意識到在我的生命，我沒有任何選擇權或選擇，但必須殺死自己來結束我的痛苦。我開始覺得人民或人類漸行漸遠。我的眼淚很快就模 糊了人們的身影和街道。

我害怕孤獨並害怕夜間的黑暗，因為我我小的時候被一個小而強大的怪物纏著出現在我的夢裡每隔一天，當我的媽媽不在我身邊，請參考珍妮早期的故事。我決定，我將結束我的生命在劇院。劇院坐落於市中心的士林和電影午場已開始了。劇院是暗淡並有相當數量的觀眾。我看到許多空座位在後排右側從左側的劇場入口。最後一排座位到後面的牆有約6'至7'之間的空間。廁所是在右邊的角落。人們進出廁所在電影期間。由小而昏暗的燈光下在衛生間前面, 人們可以看到一個簸箕，掃把 和大垃圾桶在拐角處，離廁所不遠處。我在在最後一排右側角落的空座位上坐下離廁所很近而失聲抽泣著。我看了看我的手錶; 它幾乎是下午2點。我拿了第一次的 4片安眠藥，但是藥片很難下嚥。我去衛生間與水每次下嚥盡可能多的藥片並重複了很多次。我覺得我的身體發麻,嚴重的呼吸困難而我的視力已經很模糊。我癱倒在地上在我回到我的座位的路上。

我恢復知覺，當我弓著背在水槽而一個女人在我左邊，可能是醫生所以此後稱為女醫生，倒了些液體肥皂的味道進我的嘴裡並要我吞下。她聲稱，皂液會清理我的胃。然後，我聽到我媽媽的聲音為什麼我是如此笨在我的右後側而一個男人的聲音從我右手邊對我媽媽指責口氣，像上司講授他的下屬，對我所做。他問我媽怎麼可能發生這事情。我媽媽沒有回答，而是重複我為什麼那麼傻這麼做，自殺。那人又問那女醫生我不省人事有多久了。她停頓了幾秒鐘，然後說，現是下午2點56分鐘。約半小時女醫生及另一名女性，我認為她是另一位醫生由於她那權威性的語氣方式，站在我左邊第一個女醫生後面同時回答那人。

**持續** 第2/2部

Jennie PC Chiang/江佩珍 03/03/15 美國

「SUICIDE」part. 1/2

What medicine they gave me that enabled me to regain my consciousness in a half hour from almost dead? I did not feel anything wrong with me when I got up next morning.

If people who commit suicide are not due to a mental illness or substance-abuse disorders, then they probably want to end their pain -- emotional or physical such as being bullied, abused, raped, or put through other trauma. I don't think people necessarily want to die but either helplessness or just want to stop hurting. My problem was helplessness and it was a sense that nothing could be done to change things or to solve my problems, please refer to early Jennie’s Story.

I was scared of being alone and afraid of dark at night as I was haunted by a small and powerful monster when I was little appeared in my dreams every other day, when my mom was not with me, please refer to early Jennie’s Story. I decided that I would end my life in theater. Theater located in downtown Shihlin and afternoon matinee had already started. Theater was dim and good number of people. I saw a few empty seats in the back row on the right from the left side of the theater entrance. There was approximately 6’ to 7’ space between last rows of seats to the back of wall. The bathroom was in the corner on the right. People were in and out to the bathroom during the movie.  By the small and dim lights in front of the bathroom, one could see a dustpan, a broom and a large trash can in the corner, not far from the bathroom.I sat down in one of empty seats at last row on the right corner very close to the bathroom and sobbed uncontrollably.  I looked at my watch; it was almost 2:00PM. I took first 4 sleeping tablets but the pills were hard for me to swallow. I went to bathroom to swallow as many pills as I could each time with water and repeat many times. I felt numb in my body; my vision was blurred and severe breathing difficulties. I collapsed unconscious on the floor on the way back to my seat.  

 I regain consciousness when I hunched over the sink and a woman on my left, could be a doctor so hereinafter referred to as a female doctor, poured soapy taste of some liquid into my mouth and asked me to swallow down. She claimed that the liquid soap would clear up my stomach. Then, I heard my mom’s voice of why I was so stupid in my right rear side in Taiwanese and a man whose voice came from my right hand side judgmentally blamed my mom, like a superior lecture his subordinate, for what I did in Chinese. He asked my mom how that could happen. My mom didn’t answer instead she repeated why I was so stupid to do that, killed myself. The man then asked a female doctor how long I was deeply unconscious. She paused and then, said 2:56PM now. about a half hour the female doctor and another female, her voice came from behind the first female doctor on my left and I assumed that she was another doctor because of her authoritative tone, both answered the man in Chinese.    

 **To be continued**