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| 2019/09/12 05:21:08瀏覽412｜回應1｜推薦8 | |
| Excerpt：《不安之書》(The Book of Disquiet) 05 〈263 / 煩悶〉 自從染上煩悶的嗜好，奇怪的是，我至今從未認真思考什麼是真正的煩悶。如今，我的靈魂處在一種飄忽不定的狀態，對生活或其他什麼事情都不感興趣。由於我從未這樣做過，我決定憑印象主義的思想分析自己的煩悶，即使這種憑空想像的分析自然會多少有些不真實。 我不知道煩悶是否只是一種甦醒，就像流浪漢從倦怠麻木中甦醒一樣，或是否更髙貴一點。以我的個人經驗，煩悶常常以不可預見的方式侵襲，毫無規律可循。我可以整個星期日無所事事，卻感覺不到煩悶。但我在集中精力埋頭工作時，會突然體驗到有如烏雲籠罩般的煩悶。據我所知，這與我的健康狀況 (或缺乏健康的狀況) 無關，也並非源自於實實在在的自我中已存的某些東西。 說它是一種偽裝的形而上焦慮，是換個說法的徹厎幻滅，是靈魂倚著瀕臨生活的窗邊坐下敘述的無聲詩歌，這樣描述煩悶，就像孩子總是先這樣描出外形，塗上顏色，再擦掉輪廓。但對我來說，這只是在我心靈地窖裡回音繚繞的喧囂。 煩悶……是沒有思想的思想，卻厭倦於思想。是沒有感覺的感覺，卻因感覺而焦慮。是沒有回避的回避，卻因回避而感到厭惡——所有這一切都可稱之為煩悶，但卻不是煩悶本身，而是煩悶的最佳解釋或詮釋。按照我們的直接感受，煩悶就好比是靈魂城堡護城河上的吊橋，這架吊橋已被收起，我們只能凝視著城堡周圍的土地，卻不能涉足半步。在我們內心，某些東西將我們與自我隔離，有如我們的呆滯，那些分隔物是一條環繞自我疏離的骯髒溝渠。 煩悶……是沒有痛苦的痛苦，沒有欲念的期待，沒有理由的思考……煩悶就像被消極的惡魔侵占，被虛無的蠱惑。巫師和女巫造出我們的模型，然後折磨模型，按照他們的推測，這種折磨就會透過某種靈界轉化反映在我們身上。我要說，煩悶就像這種形象轉化，如同妖精將邪惡的符咒施於我的幽靈而非模型，符咒施於我內部的幻影，而在我內心靈魂的外部，貼上或釘上了寫滿符咒的紙片。我就像「岀賣幻影的人」，或者說，更像被這個人岀賣的幻影。 263 As prone as I am to tedium, its odd that until now Ive never seriously thought about just what it is. Today my soul is in that state of limbo where neither life nor anything else really appeals, and Ive decided, since Ive never done it before, to analyse tedium through my impressionistic thoughts, even though whatever analysis I dream up will naturally be somewhat factitious. I dont know if tedium is merely the waking equivalent of a vagrants drowsy stupor, or if it is something more noble. In my own experience, tedium occurs frequently but unpredictably, without following a set pattern. I can go an entire listless Sunday without tedium, or I can suddenly experience it, like a cloud overhead, in the middle of concentrated labour. As far as I can tell, it isnt related to my state of health (or lack thereof), nor does it result from causes residing in my visible, tangible self. To say that its a metaphysical anxiety in disguise, that its an acute disillusion incognito, that its a voiceless poetry of the bored soul sitting at the window which looks out on to life — to say this or something similar Can colour tedium, like a child who colours over the outlines of a figure and effaces them, but its no more to me than a din of words echoing in the cellar of the mind. Tedium…To think without thinking, but with the weariness of thinking; to feel without feeling, but with the anxiety of feeling; to shun without shunning, but with the disgust that makes one shun — all of this is in tedium but is not tedium itself, being at best a paraphrase or translation of it. In terms of our immediate sensation, its as if the drawbridge had been raised over the moat of the souls castle, such that we can only gaze at the lands around the castle, without ever being able to set foot on them. Theres something in us that isolates us from ourselves, and the separating element is as stagnant as we are, a ditch of filthy water around our self-alienation. Tedium…To suffer without suffering, to want without desire, to think without reason... Its like being possessed by a negative demon, like being bewitched by nothing at all. Wizards and witches, by making images of us and subjecting them to torments, can supposedly cause those torments to be reflected in us through an astral transference. Transposing this image, I would say that my tedium is like the fiendish reflection of an elfin demons sorceries, applied not to my image but to its shadow. Its on my internal shadow, on the outside of my inner soul, that papers are pasted or needles are poked. Im like the man that sold his shadow, or, rather, like the shadow that was sold. 〈269 / 我的悲劇〉 我的人生最大的悲劇是已讀過《匹克威克外傳》。(我無法回到第一次讀到它們的往昔時光。) 269 One of my lifes greatest tragedies is to have already read The Pickwick Papers. (I cant go back and read them for the first time.) 中譯：劉勇軍／野人出版社， 英譯：Richard Zenith／Penguin Classics |
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| ( 知識學習｜隨堂筆記 ) |
