生日過後,二十幾歲的黃金時光走到尾聲,某日與剛滿三十的女性朋友聊到感情與年紀,她說: "...at least we are wiser now that we grow older and have had more experiences in life. Do you really want to stay in your twenties forever and go through whatever you've been through over and over again?"

"Well, I'd like to go through my twenties again with this wisdom I have now!" 我說.

"Well...IF only we could!"她說,"but then it's not twenties at all!" 

想起年輕時的天真和一路來的跌撞,我們不約而同的笑了.

我的確沒有辦法想像用現在的世故把二十歲以來的人生重演一遍 -- 那大概就像考試作弊或是讀推理小說偷看結局一樣 -- 都已經知道答案了,還有什麼意思?  

光拿感情這件事來說,最近藉著寫這幾篇"故事"的機會把當時的心情檢視了一遍,有時像"what if....../i would/could/should have......"之類的後見之明出現時,我總會小小的懊惱一番,希望能夠回到某個時間點上修正某一個環節,接著轉念一想,改了又如何? 就是這些粗糙的部份讓回憶像璞玉一樣,一次次琢磨,一次次拋光,終至溫潤光滑.

前幾天傍晚,在London Paper上看到一篇"Date Decades",討論女人在不同decade裡對date/relationship的不同要求和期許. 雖然知道是篇幫約會網站做置入性行銷的文章,還是很好奇的看了下去. 對於Twenties,它是這麼說的:    

Being single in your twenties is all about working out who the perfect other half for you really is. It can be a steep learning curve - this is the decade when most of us will have at least one unsuitable affair, go on dates we'd prefer to forget, and probably have our hearts broken to boot.

這麼說來,我好像還蠻符合這樣的描述,只是別人用十年做這些事,我卻因為開始得晚,在來倫敦的頭兩年裡就迫不及待的以crush course的型式完成,接著莫名其妙開始一段至今已近三年的relationship. 想想這五年幾乎是別人十年的濃縮,密集緊湊的程度連自己都覺得眼花撩亂,大概也是這樣歷盡滄桑,才會還沒結婚就被藍鳳凰說談感情口氣像結婚多年吧?!

無論如何,whatever is done is done. 回首這些年,儘管因為年輕衝動和缺乏經驗,做過一些傷害別人也讓自己後悔的事,二十幾歲時該拿的感情課好像都拿了,總算學到了那麼點心得. 我用和朋友的對話和London Paper上這幾行字安慰自己,二十歲以來的歲月沒有白過,即使代價是離三十越來越近,也算值得了.

三十歲以後,還會有嶄新的課題等我學習. 至於現在身邊這個人是不是the perfect other half,還是二十幾歲的我,仍然在working out中.