早上打開電腦，赫然彈出昨晚兒子的一條留言：

“媽，今天我生平第一次看到死人！”

這孩子，看來在不經意間闖入了人們最避諱觸及的禁區。這也將是他成長過程中自我心理突破的一個開始。

我眼前閃過小時候看著自己餵養才不過幾天的小雞雛突然死去（據説那都是些有毛病的雞仔。復活節攤位買回來的小雞雛基本上存活律等於零。）兒子難過得嚎啕大哭的樣子；也聯想起因爲看見一只小老鼠竄過而不敢獨自一人留在房間的景象… …

孩子，你準備好了嗎？

我確實有點擔心這個屬小兔的孩子。於是上網找到兒子的blog，看看這孩子怎麽說… …

*    *    *

二零零八年七月十六日

今天，我第一次看見往生的大體

我在試驗室工作，正要走往另一個房間去取一些打印的資料。路上我看到有塊掛牌寫著：“衷心感謝那些慷慨捐贈大體予醫學教育及實驗的人”。我意識到，我正經過醫學院的解剖室。於是拖著腳步，慢慢地走，以便能從敞開的大門一窺房間裏的内容。

剛開始時，我不能確定看到的是何物，好像是一塊血淋淋的物件裹在透明的膠膜中。我再次從頭到尾仔細審視一遍。怎麽說都好，我發現那竟是顆頭顱，臉頰抵著冰冷的不銹鋼檯面。用我那從未經過專業訓練的眼睛再次觀察後，我想，這東西應該是人體——因爲下半部都不見了。

到最後，我不得不承認，我所看到的是一個人，或更確切地說，是那人所餘下的部分軀體。

他皮開肉綻，讓我聯想到屠夫案上未料理過的牛肉，真恐怖，叫人毛骨悚然。說得簡單點，我看到了一個不太像人的人。他原是個完整的傢伙，可我看到的卻更像是一大塊的肉。

我絕非因爲自己的視覺關聯而有所不敬，只是那極度難以置信的感覺襲過來，我發覺自己竟不能對眼前的景象作出任何反應。在這之前我從未學習過如何面對往生者。試想想：幾個禮拜前，我可能還在上班的路上碰見過這個人，可他現在卻已躺在那裏永眠。

我緩緩地離開，映像仍活生生地留在我的腦海。

我離開，心中帶著三個念頭：一種對過往耗費時光的反悔；一種在有生之年必須有所作爲的迫切感和一種熱切、想擁抱和感恩我仍然活著的心情。

願逝者安息，而活著的，不虛度此生。

*   *   *

附幾位網友的回應：

Lorisza Ong (菲律賓) 說：

嗨，雷諾！我不太相信有人會願意為醫學教育和研究而捐出身體？就算是只貓或青蛙也一樣… …我想那應該是太平間留下無人認領的吧。

Michael Siedlecki (加州大學洛杉磯) 說：

你寫的故事太優雅而不貼近現實。我相像真實版本應該是這樣的：

“喂，小子，想不想看死屍啊？”

Neil Jansen Oyales Tan (悉尼理工大學) 說：

雷諾, 你可以得到我的大體，在我用盡它之後… …

雷諾的回應：

蘿麗莎嬸嬸：嗯… … 無人認領的想法也不無可能，我相信有些人會願意捐贈大體來給醫學研究。只要在活著時簽張文件就成了，過世之後就是登記在冊的捐贈者了… …老實說，人都去世了，發生在肉體上的事還會那麽重要嗎？ 

麥可（Michael）： 是啲，那傢伙還說要給我幾顆糖吃呢，但他沒做到 :[  (癟嘴)。 

尼爾（Neil）：  嘩，多謝了？

*   *   *，

我會心地笑了。

孩子，你說得對，人生真的很寶貴。比起宇宙的蒼茫永恒，幾十年的人生更是顯得如此短暫。繼續往前走吧，人生的課題很豐富，美好快樂之間也包括著生、老、病、死。有了今天這個第一次“震撼”，你會更自信、更勇敢地去面對今後的人生。 

2008/07/20 馬尼拉 

附原文：

Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 7:19pm  

Today was the first time I saw a dead person.

I was working in the lab, and on my way to pick up some print-outs in another room, I saw a plaque that said: "Our sincere gratitude to those who generously donated their bodies for medical education and research." I realized that I was passing through the dissecting rooms of the medical school. I walked a few more paces, enough so that I could see the contents of the room through the wide-open door.
At first, I couldn't make out what I was seeing. It seemed like a bloody piece of cattle wrapped in transparent plastic. As i scanned it from end to end, however, I noticed a head, cheeks pushing against the cold metal table. This was the only semblance of humanity I perceived with my untrained eye, as the lower half of the body was missing.
I finally realized that what I beheld was a man or, rather, what was left of him.
He was skinned, and what I saw of him reminded me of uncooked beef from the butcher's. It was eerie, to say the least: to see a man, and yet not see a man. He was a person yet, what I saw was more akin to a slab of meat.
I meant no disrespect with my visual association, it was just that the feeling of disbelief was overwhelming. I found it immensely difficult to react to the sight, since I've never been taught how to react to the dead. Imagine that: a few weeks ago, I could've bumped into this man on my way to work yet, now, there he lay in eternal sleep.
I walked away slowly, the image still vivid in my head.
I walked away with three things instilled in me: a feeling of regret over wasted time, a sense of urgency to act while there is still breath in me, and a profound, embracing sentiment of gratitude over the fact that I am still alive.
May the dead rest in peace, and the living, live not in vain.

Reply:

Lorisza Ong(Philippines) wrote

Hi Reno! I wonder if anyone would willingly donate his body for medical research? Same with a frog or a cat. I think 'em cadavers are those left unclaimed in morgues.

Michael Siedlecki(UCLA) wrote

Your story is much too elegant to be real. I imagine the real version goes something like this:
"Hey kid, wanna see a dead body?"

Neil Jansen Oyales Tan(UTS) wrote

Reno . you can have my body when I'm done with it....

Reno Ong(UCLA) wrote

Aunt lorisza = hmm though the unclaimed cadaver think is not untrue, i do believe that some people donate their bodies for medical research. you just have to sign some papers while you're alive, then you're a registered donor when you die... seriously, when you die, does what happen to your body really matter?
mike = yeah, the bastard also said he'd give me some candy, but he didn't :[
neil = uh, thanks?