兒子近來常彆扭,一直以為是因為他那些個缺乏判斷力的主見受到我壓制指正下的結果,簡單說,我一直覺得兒子近來常彆扭是因為我對他的管教嚴厲了些。
但直到今天,我才明瞭到,其實我,是讓孩子鬧起彆扭的部分原因。
傍晚時,午睡中的兒子讓我叫起來吃飯時,一面哭鬧一面不停踢著坐在他身旁的我時,我以為他只是有起床氣,於是耐住性子安撫他並將他抱起,問了他一句『幹嘛哭呢?』。
僅管兒子仍哇啦哇啦嚎啕不停,他一刻也沒讓我多等的回答我仍聽得清清楚楚:『因為我很孤單啦!』。
兒子如此的情緒表達已非第一次,但因為他才快四歳,於是我一直以為他只是不知其意地從小王子的故事CD中學來【孤單】二字,於是從沒認真看待,但今日我不知為何突然多問了句:『為什麼很孤單,是想要小朋友陪嗎?』。
抱在胸前的兒子雖仍哇啦哇啦的哭著,但也很快搖著頭,於是我又問:『是想要把拔陪嗎?』。
而我話才一說完,兒子就一面哭著一面說:『是~啦~!』。兒子哭著的「啦」,聽起來很像聲「哇」。
因為兒子上午才上完早教課,於是為了更確認兒子的話,我又問:『你不要小朋友陪,要把拔陪?』。
眼淚仍大滴大滴落在臉上的兒子說:『對啦~!』。兒子回答我時,那分不清是鼻涕還是口水的東西牽絲在小牙齒上。
這下我才瞭解到,其實兒子一直以來都知道自己所說的【孤單】是什麼意思,而兒子那些個讓我曾以為只是缺乏成熟判斷能力下的過度調皮行為,其實也很有可能是因為一直以來他的【孤單】不只未能受到我的重視,同時也無法自己排解下所產生的結果,而剛才,兒子亦是在我忙著別的事時,在如何都呼不得我回應後才終於獨自累倒在沙發上的。
隨著對兒子調皮行為的另一次理解,也隨著與兒子問答間所得到的答案,我感到一切親子關係間的疑問都清楚了,也體會到為何讓老婆前幾天在我責備完兒子後一付不解的模樣說了一句『你們父子最近是怎麼搞的?』,這下子,輪到我也想哭了。結果一開口,還真掉了滴眼淚:『所以你是因為把拔沒陪你才很孤單,是嗎?』。
兒子這下似感到終於被聽懂了、被相信了、被瞭解了,哭得更委屈也更大聲了,於是僅能擠出一個很含糊的『是啦!』。
都快要忘記我也能這麼難過了,但在帶著愧疚抱著兒子哄他的當下,我似也模模糊糊憶起自己童年時那份不被大人所明瞭的【孤單】那般的,忍不住偷偷掉了幾滴淚。
而有那麼短短的一瞬間,我覺得在這新家的客廳裡的,是兩個知道彼此有著相同難過小男生。
I build a fence around you in a father’s way
I try to feel what it is your going through
Co’s I’ve played many ways
When you grow, how much will it take to slow you down…
Half the way?
Do my best to please you when I do what’s right
I try to fight each word that I say to you
When you come home tonight
And if so, how hard will we cry before our sound...
Fades away?
One day when the fence is not so high
The road you took.
How far will you go?
How high will you climb?
And when all in life’s unfair
Are you strong enough to find another way?
another way?
another way?
A Father’s way
I build a fence around you in a father’s way
Just like the one who used to preach to me
Now I’ve become that way
But you know
How soft now the hand that used to strike
To the heart
One day when the fence is not so high
The road you took.
How far will you go?
How high will you climb?
And when all in life’s unfair.
Are you strong enough to find another way
another way
another way?
A Fathers way?
Find another way
Find another way
ohh a fathers way
There’s no way
You will stay
There’s no way
I know you
There’s no way
You will stay
There’s no way
I know you.
There's no way
that you're gonna stay.
There's no way
I build a fence around you in a fathers way.