The Strong Feelings of Hurt That Affairs Can Cause

Jenny reads a message on the forum that says:

Is this normal, and do marriages ever recover?
Posted by Scared for sanity

Two weeks ago, I found out my husband had been having an affair for the last few months. I was especially upset because I thought the person he had the affair with was my friend. I can't remember ever feeling so hurt. I'm scared I'm going into a depression and that even worse things will happen to my mental health, since I feel I've lost control of my life and I'm finding it difficult to cope. But sometimes I feel so angry with my husband I just want to order him to leave. But we used to have a good marriage. I'm worried my feelings will get worse and worse. I can't get thoughts about the affair out of my mind, and I keep picturing my husband and ex-friend being intimate together.

Is this normal? Could things get better? Can marriages survive after affairs?

Jenny thinks about replying. She thinks:

I wonder what to say. I'll have a go at composing a message in a Word document before putting it on the board. Here goes:

Jenny's Draft Message

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I obviously can't say I know how you feel, but I've been through something similar so I know how hurtful it can be. I was really upset when my husband had an affair. It took me some time to get over it, even though he cut off contact with the other woman after I found out about the affair and said he was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage and stay faithful in the future. I felt shocked that he could have an affair, and really miserable. I wondered if I could ever trust him again.

Things have got better though, and we're quite happy again a lot of the time, although it took months for our relationship to really start to get better and for me to start feeling I could trust him again. But we're working things out and things are getting better. So I would say there is hope.

I've just read a book with a chapter on how marriages can recover from affairs. The author says affairs can be very upsetting, and the person who feels their trust has been betrayed by the one who had the affair can wonder if their marriage can ever recover or whether they want to stay in it anymore. So it does sound as if that's normal. She says marriages are built on trust, so the betrayal of trust caused by one partner having an affair can seriously damage them.

She says that once a person has discovered or has been told about an affair, they might feel a number of negative strong emotions like shock, intense sadness, rage, disbelief, disillusionment and hurt.

People might even feel as if they're going mad.

But she says it's normal to have strong feelings at a time like that. Also, she says people can feel one way one minute and another way five minutes later. people might cry a lot and find it difficult to eat or sleep. People can become totally obsessed with thoughts about the affair and have a hard time concentrating on anything else. It can be as if people's emotions are controlling them. People can worry that they'll be unhappy for the rest of their lives. But they won't be. She says it can be difficult for people to believe they'll ever get over it, given their strong feelings, but they can.

So if you're feeling all those things, you're certainly not alone.

She advises people that they allow themselves to feel their feelings. Also, she says it can be very helpful if people tell their partner about their feelings of anger or hurt or whatever, even if they feel awkward about doing that because it makes them feel vulnerable.

She says that discussing feelings can give the partner who was unfaithful the opportunity to reassure and comfort the partner who feels betrayed by the affair.

She says that most marriages do survive affairs. She says some never fully recover, but some end up better than before.

She says she's observed many marriages healing from infidelity in counselling, and noticed definite patterns in the ones that are most successful. But she says it always takes longer than people expect, since having an affair can be so damaging to the other person's trust in their spouse.

She says sometimes it takes months or even years for a marriage to heal, so the spouse who's been unfaithful must make a commitment to being patient with the other one. She says unfaithful spouses might not understand why their affair has been so devastating to their husband or wife; but whether they understand or not, they should accept that recovery will take a long time.

So maybe you should explain to your husband how you feel and tell him that affairs can shake the foundations of a marriage so much that it can take a while for the betrayed spouse to recover, but it'll be easier with his help.

The author of the book says that the partner hurt by the other one's affair will also have to be patient with themselves, since they might not recover as quickly as they expected to either. They might think they're recovering, but then something might remind them of the affair and they might feel terrible again for a while. They might be happy one day and feeling upset again the next. She says that when they feel upset, they might start thinking that working to save their marriage is just too painful and they'd be better off out of it. But she says divorcing is no less painful.

I know that sounds like really bad news. I'm sorry if I've discouraged you. Perhaps this isn't the right thing to say. I don't want to upset you more. But at least if it takes some time for you to get over your strong feelings, you'll know it's normal and that there isn't something wrong with you.

The author says that how well a marriage mends depends on the steps taken to heal it. She gives some suggestions on things people can do. If you're interested, I'll let you know what she says.