From: After the affair

今天看到的文章, 感覺突然看見希望, 當然,前提是他願意走出那個框框, 再一次傾聽彼此的聲音.....

"To be sure, it is much easier to turn one’s back on a relationship that has been damaged by an affair than to move toward getting beyond the pain to examine the relationship.  "

忘記傷痛的最快辦法, 或許就像文章說的, turn your back on a relationshhip that has been damaged....這是阿本目前的方式, 他選擇逃開這一切, 選擇遺忘...

"It takes consider-able courage and determination to rebuild trust, examine one’s own contribution to the state of the union, and to put in the required effort to make the relationship work." 

"Similarly, it takes great humility on the part of the unfaithful party to face his or her shortcomings, character failings, and fears to overcome the guilt for having inflicted such harm on one’s partner, and move for-ward to earn forgiveness."

我是背叛的一方, 我需要檢討自己的缺點, 到底人格方面哪裡出了問題....曾經這樣傷了他, 其實我根本不知道該怎麼辦,也覺得沒有資格要求原諒...  

STAGES OF HEALING

Stage 1: Normalizing one’s feelings

"...The unfaithful partner may also be filled with a variety of feeling.  However, no matter how awful he or she might feel, it does not compare to what the betrayed partner feels.  It is not nearly as shattering for the unfaithful partner as it is for the betrayed...."

不管我現在感覺有多糟糕, 也遠遠比不上我對阿本造成的傷害, 我很明白....可是我真的...很想很想挽回一切.

Stage 2: Deciding whether to recommit or quit. 

"....Some people may believe that once a partner strays, the relationship is over.  They may also believe that once there has been a betrayal, re-building the trust is impossible.  Taking this position, however, precludes the possibility that people can change that people can learn from their mistakes, and that something once broken can be repaired.  Whatever one’s beliefs, most psychologists would en-courage people to avoid making decisions based on assumptions that are highly subjective, or based on a highly charged emotional state.  What feels right while one’s emotions are raw may not be what’s right later.

Essentially there are four options:  (a) to leave the relationship and not look back; (b) to remain in the marriage and never discuss or explore what happened;  (c) to stay in the relationship and permit the affair to continue; and (d) to remain in the relationship working toward rebuilding trust, developing a more intimate relationship, and developing a plan for assuring that it won’t happen again.

前提也是要他願意跨出那一步...雖然我知道很難, 可是心底深處又有個聲音在吶喊...還不能放棄!!(又要說我傻了吧)

If one chooses the first option of leaving the relationship, he or she runs the risk of not having learned anything from the affair, thus risking repeating the same mistakes again in the future.  One also runs the risk of leaving with a great deal of bitterness that may build-up as time goes on.

If one chooses to simply put the affair behind without discussing any of the factors that may have led to the affair, one runs the risk of living a life of constantly wondering whether it will happen again.  All of one’s questions are left unanswered; one learns nothing, and one leaves the ground fertile for it to happen again or for suspicion to build. Neither party has the opportunity to learn from the experience.

If one chooses to remain in the relationship and permit the affair to continue, one is virtually assuring himself or herself a life of resentment, guilt, anger, depression, and loss of self-respect.  Unless both parties have agreed to a sexually open marriage, and have the maturity to carry it off responsibly, in the majority of cases where it has been tried this option has not proven to be vi-able.

The last option, that of remaining together and working toward rebuilding one’s relationship, gives both parties the opportunity to learn from the experience.  It has the greatest probability for strengthening the relationship and moving it forward...."

復合之路絕對是一條漫長的道路, 可是失去之後我更懂得珍惜, 有機會的話, 會用一輩子去好好珍惜.

Stage 3: Rebuilding one’s relationship.

"....Once one has made the decision to work with one’s spouse toward rebuilding one’s relationship, one must be realistic about what one expects.  It will not be an easy road.  The process involves a careful self examination and an honest look at the relationship on the part of both the betrayed and the unfaithful.  In my experience, couples who have made this choice have always learned a great deal about them-selves as well as about their partner.  In order to maximize their learning, however, it is necessary for them to develop the necessary skills for doing so.  Often it is necessary to consult with a trained mental health professional to facilitate the communication between the partners, especially in the often emotionally raw state immediately after the affair.  The following suggestions can be helpful in developing the skills needed for effective communication...."

1. Arrange for a convenient meeting time rather than trying to have a discussion when it is likely to be interrupted.

2. Find a “talking stick” (any small object will do).  So long as one person is holding the stick, that person also holds the floor.  Once the stick is passed, it becomes the other person’s time to talk.  This technique prevents interruptions.

3. Express your point, and then, passing the stick, ask your spouse to repeat what you said so that you can be certain that you were at least heard.  If your partner is not able to repeat what you said, or you do not feel under-stood, repeat your point until you are satisfied.

4. The listener’s job during this exercise is to be certain you understand and communicate that understanding to your spouse before you comment on the content of what you are being told.

5. Once your partner feels heard, then it becomes your turn to comment and be heard.

6. Continue this process until resolution, passing the “talking stick” and alternately being in the role of transmitter and receiver.

LEARNING FROM THE AFFAIR

In order to maximize one’s learning from the affair, one first has to take a hard look at herself or himself.  This is often the most difficult part of this journey.

The unfaithful partner wants to blame the betrayed partner for causing him or her to stray.  The hurt partner wants to put the total responsibility on the unfaithful partner. 

To be sure, the unfaithful partner bears the lion’s share of responsibility for the affair, since no one can make anyone be unfaithful; it is a choice. 

背叛的一方當然是要付最大的責任, 因為沒有人逼我背叛, 當初是我自己做的決定...

However, to spend a great deal of time engaged in finger pointing will teach the parties nothing and only serve to maintain distance between them. 

可是, 花一堆時間去指責誰才是需要負最大責任, 其實只是將彼此間的距離繼續拉開而已....

The task here is not to argue about who bears most of the guilt, but rather for each person to examine their portion of responsibility for how the relationship developed, and for the state of the union prior to the affair.  The job is for each partner to examine their own baggage, their own issues, their own child hood experiences, their expectations, their assumptions, and what role each played in contributing to the difficulties in the relationship..."

兩個人都要去審視自己的缺陷...當時雙方到底對這段感情做出了甚麼樣的損害...

RESTORING TRUST

It is not simply given, nor should it be expected.

It must be earned through consistently providing an atmosphere where each party can feel safe.  A trust is often considered sacred.  And when it is violated, it is not easy to re-build.  Most of us have had experiences during our lives that either prepared us to trust easily or prepared us to believe that we should be guarded. 

其實對我來說, 要給阿本足夠的安全感, 絕對不難, 我只怕他說我太黏...

In order to rebuild trust with the hurt partner, the unfaithful partner will have to demonstrate that she or he is worthy of being trusted.

我可以證明自己, 是值得再被相信一次的!

This will require behavioural changes that may feel un-comfortable.  The unfaithful partner may feel on trial; the truth is, he or she is on trial! 

He or she is being evaluated for trustworthiness.

And it may take quite a long time to rebuild the trust; it is not an overnight process. 

就算要花很漫長的時間, 可是復合之路, 我願意走下去, 只要他點頭

In the aftermath of an affair, nothing can be taken for granted.  The unfaithful partner will have to be conscious of her or his behavior 100% of the time. 

He or she will have to behave in ways that demonstrate love even when these feelings are not immediately felt.  The unfaithful partner will have to answer the same questions repeatedly, until the hurt party is satisfied.  He or she will have to live his or her life accountable to his or her partner, apprising the partner of his or her whereabouts, actions, and even thoughts. 

The unfaithful partner will have to commit to being 100% honest and candid; one contradiction can result in a significant setback, and widen the gap between the partners.  The unfaithful partner must have a vision of how he or she wishes the relationship between the partners to be, and then do everything in his or her power to act in ways to create it.

TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED

There is no substitute for talking through the hurt, disappointment, and anger that results from an affair.  Simply moving on, putting the past behind one, is not sufficient to healing a shattered relationship. 

單純的只是將過去的痛苦隱藏, 其實對心的痊癒並沒有幫助....我想聽阿本所有的想法,所有的感受, 他的痛苦憤怒失望傷心.....我希望他可以通通說給我聽...

A significant part of the healing process requires that both parties have the opportunity to talk about what happened, what they each experienced, and their respective under-standing of the state of the relationship at the time. 

最重要的部分是雙方必須要溝通....誠實的面對, 發生了什麼事情, 各自經歷了什麼......我等阿本有一天告訴我這些, 只要他願意跨出那一步, 我真的願意陪他走這段路...

The hurt party needs to be able to express his or her hurt and anger and have the unfaithful partner truly listen and understand the magnitude of the damage caused.  The unfaithful partner needs to share their dissatisfactions with the relationship, his or her state of mind at the time, and his or her confusion.  Both partners need to be able to listen and fully understand the other’s point of view even when it hurts to do so.

我一定會用心傾聽, 至於我當時對這段感情的不滿, 不需要現在說, 可是我會找機會跟他溝通...當然, 前提是他願意給我機會...

Each partner must be willing to be vulnerable.  Each must be willing to be honest, personal, and deeply revealing about the affair and what it meant and what pain it caused. Now is the time for full disclosure.  If one is going to rebuild the relationship, one cannot do so while maintaining secrets and telling lies and half-truths.  It is a time to talk about grievances, shame, fear, sadness, hurt, rage, etc.  It is a time for sharing and for listening..."

以上說的這些, 其實也都是要雙方都願意的情況下才有辦法行的通...復合之路漫長, 可是我真的願意再試一次..