I need and long for your model, a positive model.

That is the resource of my security and confidence.

It is too cruel to say you are dysfunctional in motherhood; however, in many situations, I just suffer from your self-deny and too negative mindset.

People feel marvelous about my strength to survive from your violence verbally and physically.

They say your destructive affliction to people around you will kill people, so they slander that you kill your own son. You make him crazy and he committed suicide.

I restrain to probe into the curse people sue on you.

But this time, when you are so sick mentally and physically, I can’t help saying: would you please be a strong model for me to follow this time.

Committing suicide is always your weapon to defend or offend.

But finally, it’s your son who practices your self-prophecy.

Undoubtedly, there are so many getting hurt in your self-defeating play.

But this time, I choose and I need to get out of this “hurting” game.

I cry for my fear to lose you.

I zap the negative for I know I need to be a good model for myself and my kids.

I start to fight again the fear derived from your mental and physical illness.

I choose to love which is always the only best way to fight against my pain.

No matter how negative you will be for life. I will and I always there fight against your illness.

I need to take the leadership this time.

I need to relay on myself to fight against your illness, your self-destroy illness.

I am always there fight against your illness, to certain extent, I fear and bewilder if I have come down with that illness, too.

How many helpless and hopeless moments, I quiver with my loneliness and fear.

But this time, I will be in charge. I am my own strong mother, wise mentor, and strength resources.

There are less contempt, rebellion, and rage but more sympathy, accept, and toleration when I perceive everything around you.

People in the village always glorify me for my fabulous self-discipline, self-control, self-sacrifice character….

For they said, kids with mother like you should go astray or underachieved.

I choose the different road.

I have no choice but to survive, so that is what I am now.

But recently, I am afraid that if I will follow you and brother’s step, getting that illness, too.

It is always the nightmare in my dream.

I always there work so hard, love so deep, and think so long.

Kindness, gratitude, and hard-working are my forts.

But sullen, withdrawn, and defiant are always there waiting for me.

After praying for you, I regain the strength for I know God will never abandon kind people like you and me.

After comforting you and being you trash can, I navigate myself more positively about what I am going to do to fight against your illness.

After venting out my fear, rage, and depression in this writing, I set a limit for my suffering. I need to draw a boundary that is I am different from you and brother. I will never give up life and myself.

I will not be defeated by your illness.

I will and always make my inevitable challenge into invincible strength.

I am strong for I have to!