The grief and suffer of losing you is just as painful as losing my child.
You are always like my child whom I concerned and dedicated most.

The negative part from your life contributes to my extreme desire for the positive.

Before or after your death, you are always the most haunted part of my life.

You are in my tears, writing, thinking, and personality.

Three hours before you committed suicide, you gave me a call. It has been the most terrible night for me. On the phone, I could feel your pain and fear from your mad mutter. I couldn’t bear that anymore, so I hanged up the phone. I had no idea when I got over from my fright and weeping. Then I called you back before you jumped.
I died for recalling your mind back. “Are you ok”, I cried out. “I was too tired”, you said and hanged up my phone. And then we lose you for ever. You finally choose to give up and ended all of your pain.

“You had been ill for many years, the doctor said.”
Why?
It has been the question for us all.

I know there are certain different answers in every one of us. However, the same hurt is that we can not do anything to make up something for you and the regrets and guilt for you would be the lesson we get from our misunderstanding, indifference, impatience, and cruelty on you.

I am still in the pain and I know I have to savor it until my death.
I am still in the fear that I dare not trace back everything about you.
However, you are always on my mind.
I am missing you when I see my two kids deeply attached to each other which remind me of how close we were when we were kids.
I am missing you when I see the dreary faces of our parents which is the most difficult and uncomfortable part of my life.

I am the luckiest one in the family for I get strength from my writing-reading therapy and stable family life.

Dear, you are dead but I believe you can still do something for me; I am begging you to bless the rest of our family. Dear, please pray for our parents who were deteriorated by your life and death as I pray your soul on the heaven.

You are always on my mind. In the words I read, music I listen, films I watch, and breath I take.

This afternoon, you come to my mind as usual when I was watching the move, piano, solo.

It always occurs to my mind that I need to write something about you but the fact is obviously that I am not ready yet for I am still not as strong as I appear.

But I think the title “depression, solo” would be a good title for your memoir.

It can’t be denied that there would be numerous “dishearten words” instead of the depression….They are fear, loneliness, pain, illness, tear, alcohol, anger, guilt, regret………….

Whatever, in the scrapbook of my memory, there would be none above…
I always remember your deep eyes and profound saying.
I always remember how kind you are to me.
I always remember that you put my picture in your wallet…you are proud of me.

I will never let you down………………………………………….I miss you, dearest.