It was a hectic weekend!  I brought my “Nook” to the Auto repair shop to read while I was waiting for the car to be repaired.   After this was done, I was going to force myself to complete my work project.  I had promised to have the project ready and done on Monday morning.

Psychologically, because I was so disgusted and sickened with my work lately, my attitude was sluggish toward my work.  I kept asking myself “why and what’s wrong?”, but there were no other answers except I am tired of it.   I tried hard to make myself sit down and work, but I just kept drifting to other things, other little things.   I took longer lunch hours, I took care of small daily occurring matters, I dealt with all the little problems, and anything that would allow me not to work on this damn project!   When I planned to work from home at night, I found that the clothes need to be washed, the floor need to be vacuumed (I hate house work, go figure), the e-mails need to be answered and a lot of books that I haven’t read them yet.   

So, when I got home from the shop, I sat in front of my two computers and tried my damnest to work.  Instead of working, I was surfing the Web and talking to friends on the Skype.   I kept prolonging the completion of the project.  Haaaa.., what’s wrong with me!  Where are my work ethics!   In time, I gave up and walked away from my computers to look for my Nook.  I couldn’t find it.  I couldn’t call the Auto Shop because it already closed for the weekend.

The feeling of loss dominated me from that moment on throughout the night.  I kept waking up and walking around the house as if I needed to search for something, but I did not know what.  The project, the sense of duty and honor, the work ethic, the personal integrity toward my commitment to my job was all gone with the wind, out of my mind.  The agitated feeling, the feeling of not knowing what I should do or act had consumed me till the sun came out. 

The Nook is a part of my daily life, it’s a constant companion.  It is a companion that I could always count on.  A companion that takes me to all places and situations which don’t exist in my world, but I can experience and expand my imagination through it.   A companion that helps me pass the sad times, the good times and the so so times.  A companion who doesn’t judge what I do or what I think.   I was surprised how much the Nook means to me, how lost I was without it.   Is this the feeling that I would have if I lost someone who is in my life constantly?   Am I afraid of this feeling and that’s why I always keep a safe distance with friends?   How stupid I am that I believe I can avoid the feeling of loss!

The sorrow of loss will always be with you, no matter the distance you put between your friends and you.   You would mourn the passing!   You would put them in the little space in a corner of your heart, and then peek at it from time to time when no one watches.  The tears are in your heart not on your face, and your life goes on.   My intellectual self told me so, but my own behavior was acting differently.   Who had I lost in my life that makes me so afraid?    Do I dare to explore the reasons?

I finally completed the project late on Sunday night!  Surely, there would be unpredictable issues popping up tomorrow morning!  I would have a field day.   For now, I had better find a renewed way to look at my job, to like it again, otherwise…..

And my Nook, I hope I will see you again!