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此文乃德州大哥的<職場逃亡錄>. 原文為英文. 他非不欲以中文和讀者見面, 奈何受制於中打, 只好以胡文為之. (根據我的好友CW的說法: 「此君已全然被番化、胡化，視中文打字為畏途」, 可為佐證) 大哥文如行雲流水, 翻譯難傳達其文氣. 我勉而為之, 以答良友. 再者, 近日文思遲滯, 練習翻譯名家之作也不失為補腦的良方. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gingerbread Man 薑餅人 They said I could run but not hide and sooner or later it would catch up with me and snatch me away. They also said that it came in different forms and wore a different mask every time. When it came, they assured me, only the brave one faced it with fortitude and the not so brave one trembled and submitted. They were right on about almost all of it except they didn't tell me for how long I would still have to keep running, nor did they tell me how many possible disguises it could suggest upon itself. And never did they help me predict whether I would be as brave as I thought, or not at all. No, it is not the Grim Reaper that I am referring to, although it can be equally well alluded to. I am talking about the layoffs – yeah, the massive, juicy (to some,) all-loving but non-caring corporate level layoffs. 人們說我能逃得一時, 不能躲得一世. 遲早他會追上我, 一把將我逮走. 人們又說, 他每次來襲, 沒有一定的模式, 帶著不同的面具. 但是人們信誓旦旦的告訴我, 他來的那一天, 唯勇者能夠屹立以對, 懦者只有顫抖屈服一途. 人們警告我的話, 都說得挺準的, 就是漏掉了一點; 他們沒告訴我, 像我這樣邊跑邊逃, 還要多久? 也沒講明白, 他到底有多少種偽裝? 更無助於我事先預測: 面對他的那一天, 我是否能像自己想像中的堅強? 別誤會, 我不是指死神-那位猙獰的宰割者-雖然他們二者的行徑有類似之處. 我所說的, 是"裁員"這件事. 你現在懂了吧, 就是那種大規模的、有便宜可撿的(對某些人而言)、愛心普照而不帶絲毫同情的企業大裁員. Throughout my not too successful career as an engineer in the so called high-tech business, I have somehow become an expert in it, even though I survived (so far) every layoff that came my way. I like to think of myself as a philosopher who can talk with infinite wisdom about life and death. But I am in reality someone who has not the slightest idea what he's babbling about. The truth is, I pretty much jinxed every single company I worked for, present one included. Whenever that kind of thought seizes me I recall an episode of 'Twilight Zone' that I watched some 30 years ago. It was about a WWII US navy cruiser pulling a sole survivor from a recently attacked convoy out of the icy cold water of the Northern Atlantic Ocean. He (the survivor) was in a state of constant coma so the crews couldn't figure out his particular identity except that he had been on the Titanic where only women and children could have survived by default. Then the cruiser was torpedoed and was sinking fast. The sole survivor suddenly woke up, snatched a life jacket and threw himself overboard. The show ended with another boat picking him up, again in a state of complete coma, and the only thing they could find out about him was that he survived both the Titanic and the previous ship wrack. While they were at it, the siren wailed, signaling the approach of another German submarine ... So this is where I stand; I am the rat who always jumps first whenever the ride gets rough. But this rat would like to share with his fellow proletarian workers something he has been through so far; something that hopefully none of the readers will ever have to find out the truthfulness of what I'm about to say in person. 我的高科技工程師生涯算不上飛黃騰達, 卻成了"裁員"這碼事的專家 - 雖然截至目前, 我逃過了每一次浩劫. 所以我覺得自己彷如智慧深邃的哲學家, 袖手談論裁員的生與死, 卻完全不知道自己在胡謅些什麼. 事實上, 我差不多給每一家工作過的公司帶來霉運-包括我目前的東家. 每當我陷入這個不祥念頭的時候, 就想起三十年前看過的"幽明世界"影集中的一幕. 那集的劇情是說, 二次大戰時, 美國一艘巡洋艦從北大西洋冰寒的海水中撈出被襲船隊的唯一生還者. 此人被救起時, 處於昏迷狀態, 以致身分不明, 只知道他曾是鐵達尼號的乘客. 費解的是, 鐵達尼號的生還者應該只有婦女和小孩. 後來, 巡洋艦為德國潛艇的魚雷擊中, 迅速下沉; 就在危急時刻, 此人忽然醒來, 抓了一件救生衣, 跳入海中. 劇的結尾, 那人被另一艘船救起, 又是處於昏迷狀態, 身分不明. 船員只知道他是鐵達尼和前次船難的生還者. 正在納悶之際, 警報聲忽然大作, 又一艘德國潛艇緩緩迫近 ... 這就是我的寫照: 我就是那隻一見勢頭不妙、立即率先跳船逃生的老鼠! 但這隻老鼠想在此跟苦勞大眾分享他的逃生經歷. 唯願讀者諸君永遠不須親身經過這些事. Of the 17 major layoffs that I've witnessed, three stood out as the most stinky, for a lousy beaner like me. But to he who happens to occupy the opposite end of the labor-management spectrum, they could serve as prime examples of the highest standard in management efficiency. The first one was the 'Darkness at Noon' style. It was based on the title of a book that I read years ago. I strongly recommend it to anyone who's interested in enhancing his experience in appreciating this style of layoff. My brushing against this one came while working for S-company, which was my first 'real' job not counting my cheap labor PhD and half-ass Post-doc days. My job involved re-evaluating some old designs from two generations ago with the hopes of recycling some useful ideas for the next generation products. That was on the official job description but realistically I was watching over a pile of scraps like a stupid junkyard dog and it didn't take long before someone came along and popped my cap. 我所目擊的十七次大裁員中, 有三次, 就我這個差勁的底層員工看來, 最為醜陋. 但對於位居勞力管理關係另一端的高層而言, 這三次則足可作為高效率管理的絕佳範例. 第一例為"黑暗的正午"類型, 以我多年前所讀的一本小說的書名命名. (對於有心進一步了解這類裁員風格的人, 我大力推薦這本小說). 我跟它的第一次接觸, 發生在S公司上班的時候. 如果不計當廉價博士生和做半調子博士後研究的日子, S公司算是我第一份當真的工作. 我的任務是重新評估兩個產品世代之前的舊設計, 希望從中回收點有用的玩意, 以為下一代產品之用. 這是表面上好聽的說法, 實際上我做的, 比較像隻在垃圾場遊蕩的笨狗, 乾瞪著一堆破爛. 我估計用不了多久, 就會有人發現我的實用價值, 來把我給幹掉. The day before the layoff we all got an email stating that there would be an organizational change tomorrow, and we were all advised to report to work no later than 8am. It further stated that if you found yourself locked out from your computer, "try not to be (overly) alarmed as it was only a part of SOP." After reading the memo, I coolly went to my supervisor’s office to discuss with him on how my on-going simulation work might be disrupted due to the computer locked down aforementioned. He looked at me with total incredulity on his face, but obviously (now that I think of it) decided not to burst my bubble. To him I must have appeared like a totally lost soul wondering about the platform, watching my train go by and asking the boarding master whether I could still go get a candy bar before the boarding started – I was that stupid. It was a bitterly cold morning when I arrived and everyone looked gloomy. Over the night, someone, probably from security, had left on everyone's desk a note printed in red bold typeface. It asked us specifically not to temper with any equipment (including the light switch which was considered a company property as well) and to wait for your phone to ring, 'Further instructions on how to proceed will be given to you via the phone ...' was how they put it. Then I heard the first ring from the far left of the corridor, which proceeded to zigzag its way down with people picking it up, one by one, until mine started to ring as well. I answered it and from the other side of the earpiece there was this voice that I never heard of before, but shall never fail to recognize again. 'You Stay' was the only thing that came through the line and it was on that day, at that spot that I grew from a boy to a man. 裁員前夕, 大伙都收到一封電郵, 知會我們明天公司的組織將有調整, 每個員工最好早上八點前就來上工報到. 電郵接著說, 如果你發現電腦被鎖住, 無法登入, 無須過度驚恐, 這只不過是例行程序. 讀了這份郵件之後, 我冷靜的走到老闆的辦公室, 問他明天電腦若是被鎖住, 我正進行的模擬程式勢必受到影響, 該怎麼辦? 他用難以置信的表情看著我, 顯然(我如今回想起來)決定暫不戳破我超現實的泡泡. 在他看來, 我必然像個在月台上晃蕩的傻蛋, 眼看火車已經開走了, 還問列車長, 能不能先買枝棒棒糖再上車? 隔日清晨, 在刺骨的寒冷中我來到公司; 同事們個個都神色凝重. 昨晚有人, 應該是保全人員吧, 在每個人的桌子上留了張紙條, 上頭印著鮮紅的粗體字, 要求我們不可妄動任何的設備 (包括電燈開關在內-那也是公司的財產), 宜靜候自己的電話鈴聲響起; "電話中會給你進一步的指示", 紙條上這麼說. 不久, 我聽到第一個鈴聲自走廊的左端響起. 這由遠而近的鈴聲曲折的走過走廊, 一個個數著人頭, 朝我而來. 終於, 我的電話也響了. 我拿起話機, 聽到一個陌生但令我永誌不忘的聲音, 從電話線的另一端傳來簡單的一句話: "你留下." 於是, 就在那天, 在那個地方, 我從孩子長成了大人. After hearing the death bell ringing for three more times, I moved on to company Q, which back then was the giant of personal communication gear [1] manufacturer. Being called a giant (or a dinosaur) justified Q-company well; it was big, slow, ate in a lot of half-talented engineers like me and shitted out a full load of what was generally known as upper management materials. But you will be surprised by how fast it can mobilize itself in executing what I call the 'Fire Ants' style of layoffs. 在S公司又聽了三次催命鈴聲之後, 我換到Q公司上班. Q公司當時是製造個人通訊產品[1]的巨人. 以巨人 (或恐龍)一詞形容Q公司, 真是再恰當不過了: 它體驅龐大, 動作遲緩, 吞進一大群像我一樣半瓶水的工程師, 然後排泄出一整串俗稱為”高階管理階層”的人才. 不過, 它一旦決定了要執行我稱為"火螞蟻"式的裁員, 其行動之迅速, 則會讓你大為吃驚. Here in Texas the legend has it that whenever a group of fire ants crawls up to your leg, they would communicate among themselves and take their bites all at the same time to make sure they hurt you like hell. This was exactly how Q-company carried out its head count reduction. It's of no use for me to try pretending feigning stupid by rolling over and playing dead this time – anyone who's not legally blind (blonde?) could see it's coming from a mile away because the entire building was surrounded by hundreds of extra security guards. And to tell the truth, not all of them looked quite legit to me. I could swear that I recognized a dozen or so of them from a local bar that I frequented where they worked as bouncers for late night shift. Anyway, someone must have given the 'go' signal because all of a sudden you saw them rushing into and storming through the building and within the next hour or so, you watched them running back and forth between the building and the parking lot, going in empty handed and coming out with a geeky looking engineer dangling, walking casually as they're taking the garbage out into oblivion after a hearty dinner. Some Q-company loyalist once told me that if you ever made it to the cafeteria for lunch that day, it would have meant that you'd survived the layoff. Unfortunately that's proven to be a false presumption for this poor bastard - they dragged him out of cafeteria in the presence of a huge lunch crowd and he was survived by a plate of untouched spaghetti which I ate later – I knew he would have wanted me to have it. 咱德州有這麼一個鄉野傳說: 當一群火螞蟻爬上你的大腿, 大啖你的腿肉之前, 會先講好同時下口囓咬, 好讓你痛得死去活來. Q公司的砍人方式, 就是這個做法. 這回, 我滾在地上裝死賣傻也不管用了. 只要不是睜眼瞎子(或金髮白癡), 都可從一哩之遙望見, 整棟辦公大樓被憑空多出來的數百位保全人員團團圍住. 我告訴你, 有些保全人員看來來路不正. 我發誓, 我起碼認出有上打的傢伙, 在我常去的附近的酒吧做大夜班的保鑣. 總之, 大概有人一聲令下, 忽然間他們一齊蜂湧而上衝進大樓; 在接下來的一個鐘頭, 只見他們在大樓和停車場間穿梭; 一個個空手而入, 出來的時候拎者個貌似怪胎的工程師; 其神態如同飽嗜大餐之後, 拎者一包垃圾去扔掉那般閑適自如. 有Q公司的老鳥曾說, 如果在裁員當天, 能挺到去餐廳吃中飯還沒事, 那就安了. 遺憾的很, 對這可憫的仁兄而言, 此論不通. 裁員當天, 他在眾目睽睽之下被人從餐廳拖走, 留下一盤尚未下箸的義大利麵. 麵後來被我吃了 – 我曉得這應符合他的遺願. The last one is the 'Dead Man Walks' style. This just happened a week ago in here at company-D, right after I thought I had seen everything from companies S and Q. It happened on Thursday February the 14th, Valentine's Day (a sequel to the Valentine Day's Massacre? History does have its irony.) For two months the rumors of shit was about to hit the fan had been going around but most people shrugged it off as mere boogieman fantasies. I had this colleague who did think that the layoff was coming but thought he would be spared based on his seniority (in rank.) His particular belief was further strengthened on Monday night, 3 nights before the massacre, when our division director sent him an email at home, asking for technical data during the middle of a late night conference call with some clients overseas. He must have felt as secure as a baby cub wrapped around the loving arms of his mama bear. 最後一種裁員的方式, 是"死囚行路", 見於我目前工作的D公司. 我以為已看遍S和Q公司的裁員花招, 不料竟有此意外. 事情發生於今年二月十四號情人節 - 是"情人節大屠殺"的續集嗎? 歷史的諷刺果然辛辣. 待我將始末交代如下. "臭屎就要砸到電扇"的裁員傳言甚囂塵上已有兩月之久, 但是大多數的人對此嗤之以鼻, 認為不過是編鬼故事嚇自己的幻想. 我的一位同事倒是認為裁員之舉勢不可免, 但自己職高資深, 定能安然無事. 週一晚上, 即大屠殺的前三日, 有一事更強化了他的自信. 我們部門的主管於當晚深夜與海外客戶進行電話會議的同時, 寄了一個電郵給他, 要他提供一些技術資料. 此舉顯示他為上司器重的程度, 使他自覺如熊寶寶躺在熊媽媽愛的懷抱裡那般可靠安穩. I on the other hand knew that the final meal had been cooked on Wednesday night as our Section Director of Process Development started handing out his personal toys (little scientific gizmos you would usually find at Discovery store) to his old acquaintances as gifts. From my tons of experiences I knew at once that whenever someone of his position started preparing himself, the bomb would be dropped within the next 12 hours. Before entering the building on Thursday morning, I noticed that almost all managers had arrived early that day (easy to spot, just go counting the expensive sport cars on the parking lot.) I also noticed that HR had already set up two separate rooms from the main conference room by pulling up a built-in divider across the middle of it (so that's the purpose of that thing!) And I said to myself 'Wow! So this is the gas chamber.' At 9am sharp they started leading people whose names were on the hit-list to the chambers and I believe they searched the restroom before they began so there really was no place to hide. I saw people walk past my office, down the corridor and never to return. This is how I came up with the name 'Dead Man Walk.' 至於我, 卻知道死囚的最後一餐在週三晚上已經煮好了. 我發現負責製程發展的支部主管拿出他向來自珍的玩具(就是Discovery店裡買得到的科學小玩意)贈給故舊知交, 作為紀念. 我根據豐富的經驗, 立刻判斷: 每當像他這樣階層的人開始做離去的準備的時候, 裁員的炸彈必然於十二小時之內砸下. 果不其然, 隔日情人節的早晨, 我一到公司就發現幾乎所有的經理都起了個特早. (這不難發現: 只要數數公司停車場的名牌跑車就知道了). 而且我也注意到, 人事部門早有準備了; 他們用現成的隔版, 將大會議室一分為二 (原來隔版的用途是如此!) 我自言自語道: 這就是毒氣室了. 九點整, 他們開始把列名死囚的人帶到毒氣室. 我想他們一定連廁所都搜過了, 確定這些人沒有藏身之處. 我看到人走過我的辦公室, 朝走廊行去, 而一去不返. 這便是"死囚行路"命名的緣由. As for my clueless colleague, he walked his mile a bit differently. Instead of a preacher (HR), his boss (the same one who asked for data 3 days ago) walked him in the following manner. The boss man asked my colleague to join him in his office to discuss some simulations. He gladly obliged, hopping and prancing around the boss's heels, happy as an innocent puppy and clueless like a prize winning turkey. The boss led him via a route where they would have to pass the chamber before reaching his office. Upon reaching the door of the chamber, he seized him by his arm and pushed him into the room, similar in fashion to what Brother Grimm's Witch had in mind for Hansel and Gretel. Because it happened quickly I assumed it must be merciful but that I was guessing, too. 我那搞不清狀況的同事, 他的最後一段路走得稍有不同. 陪他走這段路的, 不是牧師(人事部的人), 而是三日前跟他討資料的老闆. 他請我的同事一同到辦公室去討論有關模擬的問題. 我的同事欣然應命, 蹦蹦跳跳的在老闆的腳後跟前後雀躍著, 快樂得如隻天真的小狗, 傻得如隻剛獲獎的火雞. 焉知老闆設計好的路線, 在到達辦公室之前會先經過毒氣室. 到了毒氣室的門口, 他一把抓住我同事的手臂, 將他往裡頭猛地一推了事! (他打的算盤, 和格林童話裡糖果屋的巫婆看到Hansel 和Gretel兩兄妹的時候一模一樣). 因為死得太快, 我想他或許不至於太受折磨. Although layoffs came in different styles, they always concluded similarly with the boss man called for a cross-the-board meeting after they finish with the body count. I think our fearless corporate leaders might have a special name for it but I always called it the memorial service. For the survivors, this was just as painful, if not more so, than being actually laid off. I don't think it's humanly possible to find another occasion flooded with one ounce more of fake emotions than these meetings could convey. For the sole reason of lacking originality, the boss man always started with: (Boss clears his throat) 'This is the worst day of my professional life ...' (No it's not, it is the worst days of THEIR professional lives, they are out of a job and you still have yours safely stashed away under your fat ass.) (Boss wets his lips, adding strength to voice) 'We should all remember the good examples set up by their professional attitudes ...' (To Hell with you! You were moaning to me yesterday afternoon in the restroom about what a bunch of incompetent idiots they were while I was taking a piss) After a few embarrassing minutes of silence, one of his pets would always pick up the pom-pon and give something to the following effect: (Boss's pet, licking boss's boots at the same time) 'Well, we can only move forward from this point on so let's ... ' (Yeah, I know you wanted that corner office since day one but don't you think you should wait a bit, the chair is still warm you vulture. And by the way, I will dress in red and dance on your grave when your day comes. This much I promise you.) These memorial services, to give them justice, did serve their purposes, at least to me. As the meeting dragged on I began to miss the fallen ones more and more, even though I didn't always see eye to eye with them while they were here. I missed them because had this not happened, I would never have to witness the human hypocrisy to this extreme. 雖然裁員執行的方式不一而足, 其結束方式卻大體相似. 大老闆數完人頭之後, 多召開員工大會, 做個了結. 我們大無畏的企業領袖對這種會或許有個專有名詞, 但我總是叫它追悼會. 對於倖存者而言, 參加這樣的會有可能比實際走人更為痛苦. 你大概不可能找到比這種會更充滿虛情假意的場合了. 大老闆總是如此缺乏創意的開場: (老闆清清喉嚨) 「今天, 是我專業生涯中最糟的一天.」 (有沒有搞錯! 今天是被裁的員工最糟的一天. 他們失了工作, 而你呢? 你的工作還穩穩的藏在你的胖屁股底下) (老闆舔了舔嘴唇, 加強了語氣) 「讓我們紀念離職的員工所立下的良好專業典範.」(什麼? 就在昨天下午, 我在廁所撒尿的時候, 你還喋喋不休的抱怨他們是群不稱職的蠢蛋) 經過了幾分鐘尷尬的沉默之後, 老闆的弄臣總會即時扮演啦啦隊的腳色, 吐出這麼一段話: (弄臣邊舔著老闆的皮靴邊說) 「到了這地步, 我們也只能努力向前. 我們何不 …」 (是啦, 你一向覬覦角落的那個辦公室. 但你就不能再等一會兒? 裡頭的椅子仍有前主人的體溫你知道嗎, 你這頭兀鷹! 等著吧. 輪到你的那天, 我向你保證, 本人會穿紅戴紫跳舞為賀) 公平的說, 追悼會還是有其功能的-最少對我是如此. 會議一邊歹戲拖棚的開下去, 我一邊愈發懷念倒下的同事, 雖然他們尚在的日子, 我們彼此不見得總是看得對眼. 我懷念他們, 因為若是不發生這樣的事, 我就不至於目睹人性虛偽的極致. To wrap it up, I've been constantly reminded by others that every story has to have at least one moral so here it goes: I have figured out, from the sequence of unfortunate events described above, my role within the grand scheme of the modern capitalist system - It needs a running prey and I am the chosen one. I have heard its footsteps; watched people I knew bite the dust; stared from the corner of my eye at its approaching and understood well that very soon it would be tapping me on the shoulder. But before that day comes I will simply keep running, running as fast as I can until some witty old fox tricks me into his mouth and snaps me into two halves like the poor Gingerbread Man. Until that happens, I will simply keep running, running till the day I bump into old McArthur so I can tell him 'Humbly reporting, Sir, This old soldier neither died nor faded away, he was just too tired to run any further.' 是收尾的時候了. 別人總是提醒我, 每個故事至少應該有一個道德教訓, 所以我的故事也有一個. 從上述一連串的不幸事件, 我已然悟到我在現代資本主義的恢宏大計中所扮演的角色 – 它需要隻不住狂奔的獵物, 而我就是被挑中的那一隻. 我聽聞過它的腳步, 看過所認識的人被它撲倒在塵埃中, 也曾從眼角逼視過它的迫近. 我深知遲早有一天它會接近我、輕拍我的肩膀. 直到那日到來之前, 我只得盡我所能的一勁兒的跑, 直到那隻狡猾的老狐狸出現, 把我騙到牠的口中, 一口咬成兩半, 好像可憐的薑餅人的下場. 在那之前, 我會一直跑, 不停的跑, 直到碰到老麥克阿瑟的那天, 我會告訴他: 「報告長官! 我這老兵沒有戰死, 也未凋零; 只是太累了, 不能再跑了」 註1. Personal communication gear 並非原文; 不得已修改以掩人耳目. 註2. 原文有些語助詞被我刪去, 為智者諱也 |
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| ( 心情隨筆｜工作職場 ) |
