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德州大哥的作品。中文翻譯是我加的；譯文詞不達意之處，請以英文為準。 Götterdämmerung-------------------------------------------- 諸神的黃昏 "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." –J.D. Salinger, from 'Catcher in the Rye' “什麼也別跟人說。不然，你會開始想念這些傢伙的。”– 沙林傑《麥田捕手》 There is a good chance that I will never send this one to you two, but I haven't decided yet. Maybe by the time I finish writing it I will change my mind, right now I simply don't know. 我還不確定會不會把這篇寄給你們。或許寫完的時候又會改變主意了。總之我現在還不知道就是了。 This is not a letter although it may read like one, and that is why it has a title. As to why I made such a choice, it will be clear (I hope) to you by the time you've finished reading it. It is sufficed to say now that it is the title of the last of Wagner's Ring Cycle, in English 'The Twilight of the Gods.' 這篇乍讀之下像封信，其實不是，所以它有個標題（翻成英文，是“諸神的黃昏”）。至於為什麼下這個標題，我相信你們讀完的時候就會明暸。目前只要曉得這個標題是華格納“尼貝龍指環”系列最後一折的劇名就是了。 What you will be reading can be politically offensive, depending on how and from where you are looking at it, but politics was not what motivated me to write. I was on an airplane, on my way to visit a place that I grew up but have not been back to for 20 years. A piece of my memory just popped out of nowhere and I felt a sudden urge to write it down before it vanished for good. 你將讀到的內容，或許會冒犯你的政治立場（端視你的觀點而定），可是我並非為政治而寫。我正搭機前往睽違二十載的生長之地，忽然間一段往事無來由的浮現腦海。一股衝動催促我，趁它消逝不返之前把它記下。 I was referred to as a name-caller in my friend CW's military memoir for giving nicknames to commissioned officers (I was an ROTC) following nomenclatures of either 'pre-historic animals' or 'food items'. The truth is I never gave nickname to anyone; it just happened that I overheard others calling them those names and let CW know about it. By pre-historic animals I think he meant the 'Fire-Spitting Dragon', my commander, and by food-items the 'Meat-Bun', an ex-XO of mine whom I only met once. That particular honor was granted to me the day I reported to my unit for the first time. As the 10-wheeler roaming through the gate, with me on top and my dream of freedom left outside, out-going I saw a mid-sized Jeep carrying one hand-cuffed Colonel boxed-in by four MPs, and he didn't look like a happy camper to me. That's the only time I saw the notoriously famous 'Meat-Bun'. I was told, later on, that he was arrested for running a private enterprise by keeping two books on the food budgets, pocketing the difference for himself at a rate of 200 grand a month. Between you and me, I think that number might have been too far stretched. I have the doubt based on the quality of food we received after they had allegedly weeded out this bad apple. There’s no way in hell that our food budget as a whole can be more than 200G a month because they still tasted like crap. Anyway, back to Meat-Bun, opinions varied on what happened to him afterward. Some said he was sentenced for 20 years in military prison, others thought he got away with serving only a 6-month term at a minimum security facility. I didn't know which one was true. 我的朋友 CW 在一篇當兵憶往的文章裡，說我愛用“史前動物”或“食物”之類的名詞給職業軍官（我是預官）起不雅的外號。事實上我從沒給人起過外號，不過是聽別人這麼稱呼，轉述給 CW 而已。他所謂的史前動物應該是指“噴火龍“ - 我的指揮官；至於”食物“，應該是指”肉包“ – 是我僅見過一回的前任指揮官。我與肉包榮幸的邂遘，發生於向單位報到的第一天。那天一輛十輪軍卡駛進了營門；我在上頭，我的自由留在外頭；同時一輛中型吉普駛出營門，車上坐了四位憲兵，包夾著一位上了手銬的上校，看來不怎麼興高采烈。這是我與惡名昭彰的”肉包“的一面之緣。後來我才曉得他被捕是因為搞”私營企業“：伙食費的預算在他手頭有兩本不同的帳，他從虛報的差額中揩油，每個月納入私囊達二十萬臺幣之譜！我覺得這數目略嫌誇大。我這麼懷疑，是因為他們清掉肉包這顆爛蘋果之後，伙食的水準依然糟糕；所以每個月的伙食費預算不可能超過二十萬臺幣。至於肉包的下場，說法不一。有人說他被判了二十年軍法，有人說他只輕鬆的做了六個月牢。不知何說為是。 I could not have told CW about the 'Spite-Fire Dragon' then because he (Dragon) hadn't become my CO until much later (after I first met CW.) Dragon got a really short temper and as such suggested the name, but that was not what I remembered him the most. What earned him a spot in my memory, or a scar on my brain tissue was how he can really swear, like a pro if there's such an occupation. Granted, anyone who's ever served in the forward-unit knows that everyone swears, and of those who did I was probably one of the worst. But Dragon you have to hand it to him because I think his swearing was less of something driven by anger than a medical necessity. I think he might have some sort of speech impediment and swearing is the only way he could start a full sentence. If you notice how a virtuoso would draw a quick breadth before unleashing his skill, that's in spirit identical to how Dragon started his sentence with a series of unrelated cuss words. In casual moment it was often entertaining, occasionally hilarious, and sometimes educational. But whenever he did that in formal occasion, it required unbelievable self-restrains from his audiences to not to laugh out loudly. Every night before roll-call I would have to hypnotize myself with a good five minutes of "…I will not laugh, I will not laugh…" For right after the military song and the pledge that we will fight to our deaths, there stood the Dragon in the middle of the parade ground, leg wide-opened, facing us but staring into the ground liked he's ashamed of himself (he never made eye contacts when he swore, what a gentleman!), and he would start his morale speech with 'Attttttention all you stinky $%$#^&#!@ …', followed by whatever lesson of the day that he felt obliged to share with us, ranging from how to spot the anomalous enemy flight patterns on radar screen to a particular brand of condom that one should be using when visiting brothel houses around town, based on his personal experience I supposed. I often wondered what he would have done if he had to give a formal oral report to a superior officer. I didn't have the luck to find that out since our unit was in so remote a corner of Taiwan that no one from headquarter ever bothered to inspect us during my time there. 我不可能跟CW提到噴火龍，因為他成為我的指揮官是在認識CW以後許久的事。不消說，噴火龍的脾氣暴躁，人如其號，可是我對他印象最深的，不是他的脾氣。我的記憶有他一席之地（或者說，我的腦組織多了條疤痕），乃因他罵粗話的本事，像是個職業老手 – 如果有罵粗話這行的話。當然，在前線部隊服役的誰不說兩句粗話，我尤其是個中翹楚。但是噴火龍，你不得不輸給他；他之咒罵，不像是出於憤怒，而是出於醫療上的必要。他似乎患有某類語言障礙，不用粗話開頭就講不成一句完整的話。好比名家顯露絕藝之前常先吸口氣一樣，噴火龍以一串意義不連貫的粗話作為演說的開場白，其功能本質相同。輕鬆的場合，他的表演常具娛樂效果，偶爾瘋狂胡鬧，有時還富有教育性。可是一碰到正式場合，他的聽眾就需要極度的自制，才能夠不發出爆笑。每天晚點名，我總得進行長達五分鐘的自我催眠，念道“… 我不笑，我不笑 …。”因為唱了軍歌、喊了為國犧牲的口號之後，你就看到噴火龍獨自站在校閱廣場的中央，兩腿大張，面朝我們，可是眼睛瞪著地上，一付自卑的模樣（他罵粗話的時候從不與我們的眼光接觸，真是個紳士啊）。然後他開始精神訓話：“聽聽---聽好你們這群 $%$#^&#!@ 的爛貨”，接著才是當天的教誨。教誨的內容包羅萬象，從怎樣在雷達螢幕上辨識異常的敵機飛行方式，到逛鎮上的窯子該用什麼牌子的保險套（八成根據他的個人經驗），都有。我不免想像，他若向上級長官做正式的口頭報告，不知會是何奇景？我無幸得知，因為我們單位處於臺灣偏遠的一隅，我服役的期間，總部從沒人自找麻煩來此視察。 I am no good at writing stories. I get distracted easily. The two characters above, characters they truly were, are not what this article is about. What I wanted to tell you about was the politruk, or the political commissar that I met later. 我的故事寫不好，因為太容易分心了。上面那兩位角色 - 真是難得一見的角色 – 不是本文的重點。我要講的是後來遇到的一位政戰主任的事。 His last name was Ma. He had a few nicknames (nobody likes a commissar) but none from me. For the sake of simplicity let's just call him Ma. He was transferred to our unit after the Meat-Bun incidence. Someone up there had finally figured out that my unit is a true rat-hole infested with human scum and they better reined it in a little before something really bad went off (pushing the wrong button and starting the WWIII was not totally out of question.) To that task they went shopping for the biggest gun available among the politruks, and Colonel Ma was the man for the job. He out-ranked CO in certain functions (verifying political purity, enforcing disciplines, for example.) I believe he's a Muslim; probably descended from those who used to live in Northwestern China, and because of that one of his nicknames was 'Vegetarian,' - speaking of human prejudice. 他姓馬。那年頭誰都討厭政戰主任，所以他有好幾個渾號，可都不是我取的。為了簡單起見，咱們就叫他老馬好了。肉包事件發生之後，他調來我們部隊。這回上頭有了覺悟，該是好好整治這個人渣充斥的老鼠窩的時候了，免得那天闖下更大的禍（像是按錯了鈕、觸發第三次世界大戰這種漏子，這裡的人是捅得出來的）。於是他們從政戰系統中找一位炮火最烈的人物，以任此艱巨。千挑萬選後他們看中了馬上校。馬上校的某些權責，比如審核政治忠誠度、執行風紀等事，高於部隊主官。我認為他是回族，祖上大概是中國大西北一帶的人。也因為這樣，他的渾號之一是“吃菜的” （可見一般人的偏見）。 The news of his coming to our unit was not well received by the commanding officers; I guess his reputation as a party pooper preceded him. When I got my first look at him I knew at once that this guy means business; he had a long stern face, a cold expression, and an even colder pair of eyes. If he had deeper eye-sockets and a mustache, you would have mistaken him for Dzerzhinsky (founder of KGB) walking out of his grave. 我們單位的各級主官均不樂聞他上任的消息，可見他愛掃人興的名聲已先行傳開了。我第一眼見到他，就知道這傢伙是來真的：他有張肅殺的長臉，一臉冷峻的表情，和寒意更甚的一雙眼。眼窩要是再深點、加上一撮鬍鬚，你會誤以為是KGB 的頭子則辛斯基從墳墓中走了出來。 Ma set to work immediately by installing fear among corps of executive officers. He barred the gambling completely, something that had been going on for years among circles of officers as well as enlisted men. He must have some sort of special training in walking silently as that's how he sneaked up to a few games and broke them up in the middle of the heat. He cut off the channel for liquor smuggling (no one really needed to smuggle them before his arrival as you could walk into the camp totally wasted, holding two extra bottles, one in each hand, caps off) by personally inspecting all incoming trucks, and keeping track on the usage of cooking wine in the kitchen. This guy was that thorough! 老馬立即開始著手整飭風紀，先在部隊的軍官中散播恐怖的氣氛。他徹底禁絕了軍官和士兵間行之有年的賭博。此人一定受過特種訓練，走路悄然無聲；憑這本事，幾次摸入熱戰方酣的賭局，把聚賭的人抓個正著。他切斷了酒走私的管道（其實他來之前，根本沒必要走私酒；你可以一手拎著一瓶打開的酒，爛醉如泥的走入營中），親自檢查所有入營的卡車，追蹤廚房料酒的用量 - 他是如此的鉅細靡遺！ To an ROTC like me Ma paid little attention, at least in the very beginning and superficially, even though he was fully informed of the troublesome natures of the 4 out of 5 ROTCs stationed there. That crop included me, two MDs, and two administration officers. Of the two administration officers one pulled some major strings (or kissed some serious asses) to have himself transferred out to the headquarter to resume his role as power broker within the KMT Party - something he probably is still doing to this day. But that is another story for another time. 一開始，老馬不怎麼注意我，至少表面上如此 – 其實他已獲得充份的情報，曉得我是五個預官中四個麻煩的角色之一。這群預官，有我，兩醫官，和兩行政官。其中一個行政官，八成拉上了有力的關係，不久就調到總部去，繼續幹國民黨權力掮客的行當。（他可能還在幹這營生，但那是另一個故事了，改日再講）。 Anyone born and raised in Taiwan within the past 50 years knows well that MDs and KMT are sworn enemies to each other, and the two I happened to know were of no exception. Short of wearing shirts painted with a bull's eye centered on its back, I really couldn't think of any other way that they could attract more attentions from commissar to themselves. Was it out of his respect toward intellectuals, or was it because he had a bigger fish to fry that Ma did nothing to the wild bunch like us? I can't say for sure. I am, however, more inclined to believe that his lack of action was because he couldn't figure us out. Let me remind you that this was 1987, CKS’s son was still the President and occasionally people did disappear for no reason at all. It was still the time that Ma had the power to do whatever he saw fit to us and no one would interfere. I believed we were not touched simply because his instinct told him that he should stalk and study his prey before surprising it. 醫生和國民黨是死敵，過去五十年在臺灣出生長大的人都應知之甚詳；我認識的那兩醫官也不例外。他倆招呼到身上的來自政戰系統的注意，不能再多了，就只差沒在襯衫背心正中畫個紅心箭靶而已。是出於對知識分子的尊重，還是因為有更大尾的人物要煩惱？我不知道；總之他沒對我們這群狂妄之輩採取什麼行動。我的推斷，是他搞不懂我們在想些什麼，所以才沒有動作。容我提醒諸位，當時是1987年，老蔣的兒子仍是總統，有時候人們仍會無緣無故的失蹤。那時老馬有足夠的權力隨意處置我們，沒人能干涉。我相信他之遲遲未作，乃因本能告訴他，應先潛近觀察獵物，再施突襲。 But like the rest of us, Ma has more than one side to his personality. The functional Ma planted a cell near me because he felt it was his duty to monitor any potential counter-revolutionist. It did me no harm but that was not the reason why an unforgiving person like me never really held any grudge against him for doing so. I did no such thing because there was a part of him, call it the humane Ma who tried to reach out and understand what kind of a person I was. At the beginning I must have appeared to be an oddball to him, given the fact that my father was a loyal KMT partisan and enjoyed certain status within the party (not powerful enough to get me out of that rat-hole, though.) You know they could put their hands on that kind of details about you if they wished to, and I think the KMT power broker guy helped them out a bit there, too. In the end, Ma completed his study on me and concluded that I was in principle harmless, in practice should be contained like a stomach flu virus (how true!) and in theory may be worthy of recruiting as a future KMT member. 不過，老馬這人和芸芸眾生無異，也有另一面。執行職務的馬上校在我身邊安插了一個細胞，因為他自覺有責任監視任何可疑的反革命份子。這事雖未對我造成傷害，然而我這個不忘宿怨的人，對他一向未嘗懷恨在心，實在令有原因。我感覺到他有個部份–姑稱為人性的老馬吧–向我伸手，試圖了解我究竟是怎樣的人。我給他的最初印象一定是個怪胎，因為我老爹是國民黨的忠貞黨員，在黨內有點地位（可惜還不足以把我從鼠窩中拉拔出來）。你知道，他們是有辦法翻出這些底細的；我想那位國民黨權力掮客可能也出了力。總之，老馬將我研究完畢之後，下了個結論：基本上我是無害的，實際上得像對付腸胃菌一樣把我控制住（真是傳神啊），理論上可以考慮吸收我為國民黨員。 His recruiting mode of operation started with a few good conversations between us, but was soon abandoned, partly because I was incorrigible and partly because he found out my so-called potential was somewhat overrated (people always found that out about me, given enough time.) What really put a stop to the recruiting phase of the operation was the famous dialogue between us about the Principle of People's Livelihood and KMT's social-economic policy, back at the time when they still had one. For whatever reason he tracked me down with a copy of Central Daily (a propaganda newspaper published by KMT that no longer exists), and pointed out to me a story about how the entrepreneur Wang (then the richest guy in Taiwan) made a future leader for his enterprise out of his son (Yes, the one that later became a professor before having an affair and running away with his female graduate student, if you really need to know) by placing him in the pig farm immediately after he got his Ph.D. from UK, before he further advanced him along the corporate ladder. Ma concluded, almost emotionally that "From what was said in this story, you should be able to see that not all entrepreneurs are like what them communists told you about. Look at Wang, he sympathizes with his workers and places his own son among them (of course now we all know why that was the case - they really hated each other's guts, period)…" To his conclusion I retorted "That sounds awfully cozy, Sir. But, had I joined Wang the junior at the pig farm then, I can guarantee you that I would still be there now and probably will be for life!" Now that I think of it, I really regret of saying what I've said because I never really addressed his remarks and that was my fault. I was young and saying something nasty always took the precedence over saying something meaningful. 他吸收我入黨的作業，先誘以好言好語，但不久就放棄了這種做法。一方面是我無可救藥，一方面也是他發現我的所謂的“潛力”，其實高估了（假以時日，人們總是發現我這點）。讓他正式停止招募作業的，是發生在我們之間關於民生主義與國民黨的社經政策的一段出色的對話。不知緣何，他拿著一份中央日報（當時國民黨的文宣報紙，今日已不存在）找到我，指出一則有關企業家王董 - 時為臺灣首富 - 如何塑造兒子為未來接班人的報導（如果你一定要知道，就是後來當了教授、與女研究生私奔的那位）。報導中說，王董的兒子從英國拿了博士後，被他派去養豬，這樣一步步從基層往上爬。老馬略帶激動的總結說，“從這個故事，你該明白不是所有的企業家都像共產黨講的那樣。看看王先生，他同情工人，甚至把自己的兒子放到他們當中。（如今我們知道王董為什麼那樣做 – 他們父子根本就不對頭）。” 對於他的結論，我如此駁斥：“長官，那聽來很溫馨。可是如果我當年跟小王一塊去養豬，我可以跟你保證，我現在一定還在養豬場，而且可能要在那幹一輩子！” 回想起來，我著實後悔說這番話，因為我並沒針對他的意見表達我的看法；那是我的錯。那時年輕，總是先挑難聽的話、而不是有意義的話講。 The transition from the recruiting to the containing mode took place right after the conversation, actually right on that very spot. He told me that I should keep my mouth shut in front of the enlist men, but were otherwise free to say whatever I felt like to so long as I confined my deeds inside the four walls of infirmary with two MDs. The deal worked out quite nicely for both of us for two reasons: because I was only six month away from finishing my term and there's very little incentive for me to rock the boat, and because he had things requiring more of his immediate attention than my lousy rebellion. 經過那次交談，招募模式立即改為控制模式。其實當場就開始了。他要我在士兵面前閉上嘴巴，其他時候愛怎麼說隨我，只要話不出醫務室的四面牆壁和兩醫官的耳朵。這個約定對我們兩個都好：我離退伍只六個月，所以沒有必要窮攪和；而他有更要緊的事要留神，無暇顧及我不成氣候的叛逆。 One thing that must have been constantly plaguing his mind was that the political climate of the island was changing; President CCK just died and DDP had recently became a legal political party. The change was coming when we had our conversations but neither of us recognized its presence until it became unstoppable - another 10 years earlier we would never have the type of conversation like above, he would have me dragged out and shot had I been brave or stupid enough to make comments like those. After the formation of DDP, all KMT party members within the military received a 'top secret' instruction from its central committee on how from that point on all party activities should go underground. It's unlikely that they were thinking about having a coup d'etat, given the fact that most of them were real cowards. After all, we are talking about a military institution whose brigade XO got chased around his own camp by a Private with a kitchen knife. The idea that he (Ma) no longer represented the ideological backbone of the military institute must have devastated him. Life as a commissar is the only one he knew and without it he couldn't function as a normal man. Thoughts like these muddled up his mind so much that when he handed out those instructions (going underground) he forgot to exclude the two MDs from the distribution list, and that was how I got to read about it [1]. 有件事一定折磨著老馬，就是島上政治氣氛的變化。蔣經國總統剛死，民進黨甫成合法政黨。我們那次對話的時候，變化已山雨欲來，只是我們未曾察覺罷了，直到其勢不可擋。再早個十年，那場對話不可能發生；我要是膽子大到、或是頭腦蠢到說那種話的地步，他早就叫人把我拖出去斃了。民進黨成立後，國民黨軍中黨員皆收到一份中央委員會發函的“極密”文件，指示軍中所有黨務活動均須轉入地下。他們倒不是要搞政變 - 大部份黨員都是道地的懦夫。畢竟我們所說的，是個副座被手持菜刀的士兵滿營追趕的軍事組織。馬上校知道自己不再是軍隊裡意識形態的中堅思想的代表，這一定帶給他沉重的打擊。他的生活除了政戰生涯，沒有別的；若失去了舞臺，很難像個正常人過日子。這些念頭搞得他腦昏腦脹，以致轉發那份“黨務轉入地下”的指示的時候，竟然忘了把兩醫官排除在外（註一）。我之能與聞機密，原因在此。 The change in political landscape was not just a remote and abstract concept; it had immediate impact on his daily life as well. His grip over the military personnel loosened up with the declining of KMT party. After the death of President CCK, the Vice President Li succeeded to power and was quite suspicious about the politruks system he inherited from the previous ruler. A purge started silently within the system and one after another the heads of the commissars were replaced by those who the new President felt he could trust. Rumors of Ma losing his powerful friends in high command spread like a wild fire in our unit. If you remember how Ma once put a stop to all the illegal activities enjoyed by the commissioned officers, they too felt the change was coming and they wanted their good old days back, and they wanted it badly. 政治氣氛的轉變已然衝擊到他的日常生活，不僅是遙遠抽象的概念。他對軍中人員的掌控，隨著國民黨的衰微而逐漸放鬆。蔣經國總統死後，李副總統繼任，對於所承繼的政戰系統深感疑慮。整肅悄悄的展開，政戰首長一個個被新總統的親信所取代。老馬的高層奧援被整掉的謠言，野火般傳開。還記得老馬怎麼遏止了軍官們樂在其中的非法活動嗎？這些軍官們也聞到了變化的氣息，這回他們要重拾美好的往日 – 他們快想瘋了。 Knowing that Ma no longer had the kind of muscles that he used to have, the officers simply stop following his lead. There was no open insubordination, at least not in the very beginning. But if he didn't know that the train was coming in early 1988 right after the death of CCK, he certainly saw the writing on the wall by May; the commanding officers wouldn't even share the dining table with him. First the booze then the gambling were back, within months the place was back to its old self, a resurrected Vegas in full swing. 軍官們見老馬的權勢今非昔比，便不再服從他的領導；公開的抗命一開始倒是沒有。老馬若是在1988年初蔣經國剛死的時候還沒看出苗頭不對，五月份跡象就很明朗了：連主官們都不願跟他同桌吃飯。先是鬧酒、後是賭博，不消數月這地方又依然故我，儼然一個敗部復活、全盛的拉斯維加斯！ With what little political influence remained at his disposal, Ma had two choices: to go down in flames by reporting the deeds of CO to headquarter, or to save himself by requesting a transfer to the main Air Force base where business was still conducted according to the books, at least superficially. He made the request of transferring. Of course, things of this nature were carried out under extreme secrecy so none of us knew anything about it until he was gone. There might have been a few signs but no one gave a damn anyway. As for me, finding myself in a situation of three months away from discharging with no immediate prospect of a job had caused me enough headaches already; I simply couldn't care less about Ma. By end of August, one month before my own discharge, he was gone and I have never heard from him again. 靠著僅存的一點政治影響力，老馬有兩條路可走：一是同歸於盡，把指揮官的行徑報給總部；一是尋求自保，請求調職空軍總部，那裡至少表面上仍照章行事。結果他選擇請調以圖自保。這種事一向都是在嚴格保密的情況下進行，所以直到他離開後我們才知道。或許當中有蛛絲馬跡可循，可是誰又會在乎？至於我，三個月後就要退伍，工作尚無著落，已經夠我頭大了，那有多餘的心思理他？八月底，我解甲前一月，他走了。從此我再也沒聽過他的下落。 It is not until now that I recall the circumstance under which I last saw him. It was a gorgeous Sunday afternoon and I had just finished a brutal shift of three consecutive days of double-duty (morning and night, 16 hours a day), a prelude to a much anticipated 8-day vacation down in the city. Heading back to the living quarter about half a mile from duty station, I was in a pretty good mood, humming and whistling to myself as I walked along the winding path down hill. Just when I made a sharp turn I saw Ma standing at the edge of the road contemplating. He woke up to the rustling of the weeds made by my boots, turned around and saw me. We were both a bit startled so we just stood there studying each other for a few second. His lips quivered a little as if there was something he wanted to say to me, but decided to hold it back in last second. I raised my hand and saluted him. For the brief moment while I was holding my hand next to my brow, waiting for him to return my salute, I saw in his eyes the entire spectrum of human emotions: fear, excitement, love, hatred, pride, shame…you name it! But most of all I saw this profound sadness that you would only see from a dying animal - his days were numbered and he knew it. He returned my salute, turned his back toward me, faced the mountain once again and resumed his train of thoughts. It was the hour of the day when the sun still beamed with warmth but was unmistakably setting, coating everything facing west with a glowing sanguine red. Deep far in the east you could see that the night was unfolding, led by a stripe of bluish purple that was pushed westward by the ever expanding dark velvet behind it. The once almighty god was staring at what probably would be his last twilight and yet he was as motionless and proud as he had ever been. 時至今日我才憶起最後一次見到他的一幕。是個美麗的星期天下午，我剛值完 三天不是人幹的班（一天十六小時，早晚二輪），之後可到城裡度過期待已久的八天長假。從值班機房回到營房有半哩路，我心情愉快，吹著口哨，循著蜿蜒的山道下山。當我繞過一個急轉彎，赫然看見老馬站在路旁，若有所思。聽到我的靴子撥弄野草的沙沙聲，他從沉思中驚醒，轉過身來看著我。一時，我們兩人都有點不知所措，有幾秒鐘就呆立著打量對方。他的嘴唇微微的顫動，似乎想跟我說些什麼，可是在最後一刻憋住了沒說。我舉手向他敬禮，停在眉邊，等他回禮；就在那一剎那，我看到他眼中流露出人類情緒的全盤面貌 – 有恐懼、激動、愛與恨、驕傲與羞辱 – 隨你想像！我更是看見只有垂死的動物才有的深沉悲哀 – 他的來日屈指可數，他也知道。他回了禮，然後轉身背著我，對著山巒繼續他的沉思。那時刻，夕陽猶溫，可正穩穩的下沉，朝西的一切都染上耀眼的鮮紅。東邊極目之處，不斷擴大的黑絲絨把一道紫中泛藍的條紋向西推擠，將夜幕徐徐拉起。曾經是無所不能的一尊神祇凝視著大概是他的最後一個黃昏；他文風不動，傲然如昔。 It took me 20 years to understand that, although separately, his and my long day's journey into night was about to begin. 二十年後我才明暸，雖然我與他各行其道，我們的暗夜之旅從那天才剛要開始。 -------------------------------------- [1] I may have told you earlier that MDs and KMT Party were sworn enemy to each other, but that caused no inconsistence with the situation that these two MDs were KMT party members. The fact is, back then all high schools had a few military representatives assigned by education administration and department of defense and one of their major job functions was to fulfill the recruiting quota assigned to them by KMT Party every year. A lot of times they would simply asked that all students under their jurisdiction surrendered in their national IDs, along with 20 bucks for membership fee, and left the rest of the paper work to them. This I have personally witnessed, and known for a fact that further south you traveled, the more abusive the practice got. If you put that together with the fact that southerners traditionally favored sending their youths to study medicine, it should surprise you not that my two MD friends were KMT members, at least on paper. 【註一】 之前我提到，臺灣的醫生和國民黨是死敵，不過這無礙於兩位醫官成為國民黨員。當時各個高中都有教育部及國防部委派的教官。他們的主要職責之一即為吸收新黨員，以達成國民黨每年指定的配額。很多時候，教官乾脆叫責任區內的學生交上身份證、付上二十塊黨員費，由他們替學生填表完成入黨手續。這是我親眼所見，而且我知道愈是南部，此種手法就愈被濫用。再者，南部人傳統上喜歡讓他們的子弟習醫；這樣你就不難明白，何以我的兩位醫官朋友是國民黨員了 – 最少記錄上他們是。 |
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