Helen Adams Keller：The Story of My Life (9)

海倫‧凱勒 著  東年 譯

我怎樣描寫我母親才好呢？她和我非常親近，所以談論她我覺得幾乎是失禮。

有很久的一段時間，我把我的幼妹當成侵入者。我知道我已經不再是母親唯一的寶貝，而這個想法讓我很忌妒。她取代我經常坐在母親的膝上，而且幾乎占據她全部的關懷和時間。有一天發生了對我來說，是更加羞辱而傷害的事。

那時候，我有一個非常寵愛也常常虐待的娃娃偶；後來，我給她取名為南茜。唉，這個無助的娃娃偶，是我脾氣或情緒爆發時的受害者；所以，磨損得很糟。我有會說話、會哭或會眨眼的娃娃偶，可是我從未喜歡它們任何一個，像我喜歡可憐的南茜那樣。南茜娃娃有一個搖籃，我常把它放在裡面搖個一小時或更久；我總是小心翼翼的守護著娃娃和搖籃；可是，有一次，我發現我嬰孩妹妹安靜的的睡在這搖籃裡。那時，我像是還沒和她有愛的連結；她這樣放肆的表現就讓我很生氣。我撲向搖籃把它翻倒，如果我母親沒及時在她摔落時把她接住，她可能會摔死。 

因此，就像走進雙疊的孤寂峽谷，我們之間體驗很少童稚特性可能發展起來的可愛話語、行動和情誼。後來，當我恢復人類與生具有的人性，蜜德莉妹妹和我卻成長成各自不同的個性；雖然她不能了解我的手語，我也不懂她孩子般的言語。

How shall I write of my mother? She is so near to me that it almost seems indelicate to speak of her.

For a long time I regarded my little sister as an intruder. I knew that I had ceased to be my mother's only darling, and the thought filled me with jealousy. She sat in my mother's lap constantly, where I used to sit, and seemed to take up all her care and time. One day something happened which seemed to me to be adding insult to injury.

At that time I had a much-petted, much-abused doll, which I afterward named Nancy. She was, alas, the helpless victim of my outbursts of temper and of affection, so that she became much the worse for wear. I had dolls which talked, and cried, and opened and shut their eyes; yet I never loved one of them as I loved poor Nancy. She had a cradle, and I often spent an hour or more rocking her. I guarded both doll and cradle with the most jealous care; but once I discovered my little sister sleeping peacefully in the cradle. At this presumption on the part of one to whom as yet no tie of love bound me I grew angry. I rushed upon the cradle and overturned it, and the baby might have been killed had my mother not caught her as she fell.

Thus it is that when we walk in the valley of twofold solitude we know little of the tender affections that grow out of endearing words and actions and companionship.But afterward, when I was restored to my human heritage, Mildred and I grew into each other's hearts, so that we were content to go hand-in-hand wherever caprice led us, although she could not understand my finger language, nor I her childish prattle.

海倫‧凱勒 著  東年 譯