德州動物園與紐約動物園的區別
紐約動物園的籠子上，標示著該動物的英文名稱和拉丁文學名。
而德州動物園的籠子上，則標示的該動物的英文名稱和烹調方法...!

德州佬遊墨西哥
有天晚上，3 個德州佬南下墨西哥，喝得大醉，醒來時發現自己身在監獄，並被告知早晨將被處決.. 雖然他們都不記得前天夜裡幹了什麼事.. 
第一個被綁在電椅上，行刑員問他有何遺言?   
他說，" 我來自貝勒神學院，我相信萬能的上帝，會出手救我這無辜的人”
他們扳開開關，但什麼也沒有發生，他們想上帝不要這個人死，就放了他。
第二個被綁在電椅上，行刑員問他有何遺言?  
他說，" 我來自德州大學法學院，我相信正義的力量，會出手救我這無辜的人”
他們扳開開關，這次也沒發生什麼，他們想法律站在這人的一邊，因此也放了他。
最後一個被綁上時說，" 喔，我是德州農工的電機工程師。我想告訴你們，如果你們不把那兩條電線連結起來，你們是電不死任何人的.. .

德州車禍
國家運輸安全委員會最近披露他們在過去的五年中，秘密提供資金與美國汽車製造商進行一項計畫，他們在四輪傳動的小卡車上安裝黑匣子，這樣就能知道致命事故前15秒間所發生的事。
當局在50州中的45個州發現: 致命車禍中有61.2%司機的最後一句話是"Oh, Shit!"
另外5 個州 –德州, 田納西，肯塔基，西維吉妮亞和喬治亞州- 最後的一句話是" 拿好我的啤酒.. "

德州 vs 澳州
德州農夫到澳洲渡假，他遇見一個澳洲農夫並開始交談。
澳洲炫耀他的麥田有多大。
德州佬說，"噢﹗我們家的麥田至少有它的兩倍大。
他們在農場四處走著時，澳州佬又開始炫耀他的牛群。
德州佬立即說，" 我們家的長角牛至少是你家的母牛的兩倍大。
澳州佬實在沒什麼可說了.. 這時德州佬看見一群袋鼠在田裡跳來跳去..
德州佬問，"那些是什麼碗羔？
澳州佬以難以置信的表情回答，"你們家的田裡沒有蚱蜢嗎？

德州佬在天堂
狗不理向上帝報告說，" 我必須和你談談.. 我們這裡來了些德州佬，他們正在製造一些問題.. 他們在天國之門上盪秋千，我的號角不見了，烤肉醬塗滿他們的長袍，他們的狗跳到戰車上，而且他們戴的是棒球帽或牛仔帽，而不是光環。他們拒絕保持天堂樓梯的乾淨，他們到處扔西瓜子和豬腳骨，有些人更是只戴著一隻翅膀就到處亂走。
上帝說，" 是我把他們做得特別一點的，狗不理。天堂是我所有孩子的家，如果你想知道什麼是真正的問題，讓我們打電話給魔鬼問問。
魔鬼接聽電話，" 你好! 見鬼，稍等別掛。" 一會後魔鬼回來接電話，" 好的，我回來了。我能為你做什麼？
上帝回答，" 我只想知道你那裡有什麼問題嗎?
魔鬼說，" 再等等別掛.. 我得去看看。大約5 分鐘後魔鬼回來接電話，並說，" 我回來了，有啥事啊？
上帝說，" 你那裡有沒有什麼問題？
魔鬼說，" 老兄，我簡直難以置信 .... 上帝，再等一下。” 這次魔鬼消失了15 分。  魔鬼回來說道，" 對不起，上帝，我現在不能和你說話。這些天殺的德州佬把火滅了，並且試圖裝上空調…

德州佬遊台北
一德州佬來到台北，坐上小黃到旅館途中.. 經過中正廟時，他問: 這是什麼碗羔? 小黃說: 中正廟. 德州佬又問: 這就是 中正廟啊! 花多長時間蓋好的? 小黃答: 12年。
德州佬: 12年? 我們家有個關帝廟，是它的兩倍高，兩倍寬和四倍長，我們才花六個月就蓋好了。
一會兒後，車子來到行天宮.. 德州佬又問: 這又是什麼碗羔? 小黃說: 行天宮. 德州佬說: 這就是行天宮啊! 花多長時間蓋好的? 小黃答: 3年。
德州佬: 3年? 我們家有個媽祖宮，是它的兩倍高，三倍長和四倍寬，我們才花兩個星期就蓋好了。
又過一會兒，車子來到台北101。德州佬再問: 這又是什麼碗羔? 小黃說: 見鬼了，我昨天經過時, 那還是一片空地…
(PS. 為照顧南部鄕親，並貫徹本土化政策，特將譯文做適度更改.. )

Difference Between Yankee Zoo & Texas Zoo
What's the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?
On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.
Whereas, a Texas Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe.....!

Three Texans Visit Mexico
Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."

Texas Car Crashes
The National Transportation Safety Board recently reported that it had covertly funded a project with US auto makers for the past five years to install black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks to determine, in fatal accidents, the events during the last 15 seconds before the crash.
The agency found that in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
In Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia, Texas and Georgia over  89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this."

Texas vs. Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation, where he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field.
The Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large back home."
They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows back home."
The conversation has almost died, when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers back home?"

Texans in Heaven
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "Okay, I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

Texas builds it larger
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."