【一】 《到底北京地鐵強還是上海地鐵擠？》

一個上海女人，正在和一個北京女人抬槓。
北京女人：「我們北京的地鐵實在擁擠。那天我懷孕坐地鐵，結果把我的孩子都擠掉了。」
上海女人：「那也沒有我們上海的地鐵擠。那天我沒懷孕坐地鐵，結果把我擠懷孕了。」

【二】

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

【三】 《Economic Stimulus Payment Q&As》

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

【四】

師：「為什麼上課睡覺？」
生：「您的聲音太甜美了，所以才會睡著。」
師：「那為什麼其他人不睡覺呢？」
生：「因為他們沒有在聽課呀！」

【五】

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

【六】

有個小孩每年都向他老爸吵著要聖誕樹，他老爸總是說：「太貴了，別買吧！」
今年，聖誕節又到了，老爸又被他吵得頭疼，於是提起斧頭出了門。
過了二十分鐘，老爸扛著一棵大聖誕樹回來了。
小孩高興地大叫起來：「老爸！你真了不起，才花二十分鐘，就砍了這麼大的一棵樹回來！」
老爸拍拍他的後腦勺說：「傻小子，砍樹哪有那麼快？我是從集市上帶回來的。」
小孩問道：「你不是嫌貴，不想買的嗎？」
老爸說：「你沒看到我帶了斧頭嗎？」

【七】

小明洗澡時不小心吞下一小塊肥皂，他的媽媽慌慌張張地打電話給家庭醫生求助。
醫生說：「我現在還有幾個病人在，可能要半小時後才能趕過去。」
小明媽媽說： 「在你來之前，我該做什麼？」
醫生說：「給小明喝一杯白開水，然後用力跳一跳，你就可以讓小明用嘴巴吹泡泡消磨時間了。」

【八】

一男生暗戀一女生許久。
一天自習課上，男生終於鼓足勇氣寫了張字條給那個女生，上面寫著：「其實我注意你很久了。」
不一會兒，字條又傳回來，上面寫著：「拜託別告訴老師，我保證以後再也不上課嗑瓜子了！」

【九】

有一個人，三十幾歲了依然一事無成，工作找不到，事業也做不成，就是一直賺不到錢。於是，他去找算命師算命。
「你啊，將會一直窮困僚倒，直到四十歲。」
那個人聽了，眼睛為之一亮，心想有轉機了，馬上問說：「然後呢？」
「然後喔………」算命師看了一下他的命盤，接著說：「然後你就習慣了。」

【十】

一辣妹穿著紅色連身迷你裙打電話叫計程車。
對方：「喂，XXX 無線電計程車！」
辣妹：「我要叫車啦。」
對方：「小姐，請問妳穿甚麼衣服？」
辣妹：「紅色連身迷你裙啦！」
對方：「到那裡？」
辣妹：「到大腿啦。」

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