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2013/05/12 08:08:09瀏覽1288|回應0|推薦2 | |
【一】
問:「誰的一生都生活在黑暗中?」 答:「小叮噹。」 問:「為什麼?」 答:「因為他伸手不見五指。」 【二】 權臣和珅新修了一所府第,請紀曉嵐題一匾額,紀曉嵐提筆給他題了「竹苞」二字,說是「竹苞松茂」之意,和珅高興地把它懸在正廳,乾隆皇帝見了,對和珅說:「卿被紀曉嵐捉弄了!把『竹苞』二字拆開來,不就變成『个个草包』四個字嗎?」 和珅哭笑不得。 【三】 有位人瑞剛慶祝過自己的百歲壽辰,就有一位記者登門來採訪他。 記者問:「您認為是什麼原因使您如此長壽?」 老人想了想,用手敲敲桌子,一字一句地說:「我從不抽煙喝酒,從不暴飲暴食,總在早晨六時起床。」 記者提出異議:「可是,我有一位叔叔,和您的做法一樣,卻只活到五十歲,這又是為什麼呢?」 老人從容地回答:「他堅持的時間不夠長。」 【四】 An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard." The reporter replied, "That's ALL?" The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on Titanic." 【五】 A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. * Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader. * Never underestimate the power of...termites. * You can lead a horse to water but...how? * Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty. * No news is... impossible. * A miss is as good as a... Mr. * You can't teach an old dog new... math. * If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning. * Love all, trust... me. * The pen is mightier than the... pigs. * An idle mind is... the best way to relax. * Where there's smoke there's... pollution. * A penny saved is... not much. * Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed. * Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose. * None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder. * Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded. * If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. * You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box. * When the blind lead the the blind... get out of the way. 【六】 有一位樸實的老太太去超級市場買了三罐貓罐頭,要付錢時,結帳小姐說:「老太太,您必需把貓抱來,確定您有養貓,我才可以賣給您,因為有些窮老人是會吃貓罐頭的!」 老太太沒辦法,就把貓抱來給她看。 隔天,老太太又去超級市場買了三罐狗罐頭,結帳小姐又說:「老太太,您必需把狗抱來,確定您有養狗,我才可以賣給您,有些窮老人是會吃狗罐頭的!」 老太太又把狗抱來給結帳小姐看。 再隔天,老太太抱了一個紙箱去超級市場,她捧著箱子走到結帳小姐前面,請她將手指伸進去摸摸看。 小姐害怕道:「這是什麼?該不會是一條蛇吧?」 老太太再三向她保證盒子裡的東西絕不會傷害她之後,結帳小姐終於伸進去摸了一下,手伸出來之後,結帳小姐聞了聞:「哦~怎麼聞起來像大便呢?」 老太太:「是啊,我現在可以買三卷衛生紙了嗎?」 【七】 列車上,有一先生身邊帶了五、六個小孩,鄰座的婦人好奇地問:「這些都是您的小孩嗎?」 這位先生答:「不,我是一位保險套推銷員,這些都是我客戶的退貨。」 【八】 一隻出生不久的小蚊子第一次單飛,回來後蚊爸問:「第一次飛感覺如何?」 小蚊子:「太棒了,所到之處每個人都為我鼓掌!」 省思:凡事要正面思考。 【九】 While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Unfortunately, he then made the earth round. 【十】 某中醫藥大學的一對博士生要結婚了,男生姓龍,女生姓陳,導師為他們寫了一幅對聯,專業性很強,看後人人稱絕。 上聯:龍骨一根,退燒止癢又生津 下聯:陳皮兩片,消腫化痰還解渴 橫批:一日見效 |
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