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| 2010/02/02 08:53:55瀏覽75｜回應0｜推薦0 | |
When I am alone or lonely. I like to be alone when I can have more time and energy on myself or thing I like to do. Being alone is a good choice for me to bath myself in the interests in reading, writing, music, imagination and so on. In fact, I am alone most of time even though I am surrounded or occupied by something or some one. Being alone, I can allow my masks fall, be true to my inner joy, anger, sorrow, and desire. I fear being lonely when I am starving for good and warm connection with some one I care. I hate being lonely when I have no confidence, ability, and chance to express my love to those I love. I have been lonely for long time as growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family where I am inherited the emotional legacy of insecurity, loneliness, guilt, fear, anger, mistrust, confusion, shame and very poor self-esteem. As a result, the most painful and destructive loneliness to me is when my families could not meet my normal emotional needs because of the profound effects of the disease on their own emotional health. I aware that my families may very well have loved me, but active alcoholics as them are in great emotional turmoil and brings great pain, confusion, and resentment to the lives of all around them. On the contrary, the constructive loneliness to me is when I fall in love. It’s time when I realize how my low self-esteem hinders my courage, ability, and wisdom to give love. The loneliness derives from the insecurity of my risk moving out of my long-term unsociable isolation, the burden of unexpressed grief, the guilt of my self-criticism and self-sabotage, and the devoid of carefree experience, healthy thinking, satisfied possession, and strong mind. How can I make others love me before I enjoy myself? The negative feelings and buried memories will return. I dare not to show my true self ( the unlovable) to the one I love; I fear when they see my true self ( fearful, insecure, inferior, wounded, and unsatisfied), I will lose their appreciation, affirmation, and attention. I always try to fight against my loneliness, the destructive or the constructive one, so that’s why I always choose to be alone. When I probe into my loneliness more, I learn to re-parent myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect. And then I don’t fear it at all. In certain way, I need loneliness, the constructive or the destructive to grow out my low self into a higher self. What’s that higher self? That’s a self which is not hungry, greedy, and confused but more confident to show up the true weakness without trying to asking love from any one. I don’t need to others to love me; I am love; I can give unconditional love. |
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