While I was driving to work this morning, the memory of a crying little boy with a terrified expression on his face came to me.

It was the panicky crying and the noisy pounding sounds at the door that caused my neighbor to run through two sizable backyards to rescue him.  He was just a toddler then.

When both of them found me engrossed in a phone conversation, unaware of what was going on around me, it  must have been a very comic scene – a howling toddler, a relieved neighbor with a soften smiling face and my stunned face .

I hung the phone up without any hesitation.  My neighbor explained that from her back terrace she saw him pounding on the door and I was nowhere in sight, so she ran over.

My horrified expression must have clearly shown that I did not know he had wandered out of the house.  To me there was truly no explanation, he was playing with his toys right next to me when the phone rang.    I couldn’t remember to whom I was talking, but it must have been very interesting because it had captured my full attention and I neglected my motherly duty.

I tried to imaging the frightful feeling of not being able to open the door knowing that all comfort and safety were right behind it, but I couldn’t.   Don’t we all have that terrify feeling within us through our life? A child can express his feeling, but adults can’t!  Are we all tied up in our own emotion of fear of not being able to open the door to the safety in our life in some way?

I couldn’t remember if I had ever experienced knowing that comfort and security was behind the door and I was unable to open it and walk in.   Or am I just putting my head in the sand to deny it?

Life is full of doors for us to open and venture in, that must be the reason he opened the door. What might be behind the door seemed more exciting to him than knowing what was behind it. Unfortunately, when he couldn’t return to his comfort and security, the unimaginable terror sunk in.  The panic was not that he was unable to open the door, but it was the fear of being unable to return!

I was wondering why suddenly I remembered that long ago spring day with my son’s little crying face! Then, I remembered what had been on my mind lately.

My friend said to me “You will not go through with that.  That wouldn’t happen to you, because you are too level headed.”  She continued “Do you know what the Chinese character of marriage is?  A woman on the left side of the character and Losing your mind on the right side of the character, this was how the Chinese categorized “Marriage”.  You won’t lose your head.  Your have a set mind about marriage, too many pre-conditions.”

I had protested that” I would lose my head, there are no conditions.  You never know what I would do.”   But, am I right or is she?  I know there is a door wide open for me, and all the comfort and security in life are in plain sight behind it, but I just can’t bring myself to cross that threshold!  Such a small step but my feet just continue to be glued to the ground right outside the door.   What am I truly looking for?  What is missing behind that door that makes me stand still?

 I am scared of the unknown! Scared of what is seemingly comfortable and secure behind the door!  Scared of not being able to return, if I choose to!   Is  my so called level headedness that I couldn’t and wouldn’t  let myself face the “unknown” or am I actually afraid that I won’t be able to return to where I feel comfortable?  

What a coward I am!  Or am I a brave person who just can’t compromise on the so called “freedom”?  There is always a price to pay no matter which way we choose to walk in our life.  Cause and effect, Cause and effect, where is the wisdom in choosing? Or do we just like to think we actually have a choice?