金大俠糗事五則

感謝優迪園(UDN)的山楓老師近日發起“我的糗事/部落客拉拉手”運動，爲優迪園的冬天帶來此起彼落的笑聲，重振往日熱鬧歡樂的氣氛！感謝眾格友，識與不識，自暴其糗、自我嘲解，不吝分享自己的童年、成年糗事，大開糗事派對，令我笑到不行！

悅己來拉我手？！我是從來不參加這些拉拉手、送飛吻的運動啊，要運動，我都是來大的、激烈的，如籃球、足球、游泳等等等！並且，套用柔怡老公的話：我天縱英明，怎麼會有糗事！我最大糗事是找不著糗事、或「選擇性糗事自動失憶症」吧！

悅己為“糗事”找解釋：包括自己覺得尴尬的事，想起來會臉紅後悔的事，眾目睽睽下所犯的錯誤，一想起來就有點名其妙的痛苦的事，無邪的童年荒繆事以及讓自己一想起就覺得很丟人的事。

我絞盡腦汁、尋尋覓覓，結果還真難。但若以糗事、趣事的角度回首來時路，也還真絞出了一則，先送悅己審核，感謝悅己對我＂糗事一＂的溢美之辭，使我有動力續想、續寫糗事二、糗事三、糗事四、糗事五，並免費送上糗事六(英文的)。

糗事一：血染教室 

小學五、六年級時，有一回應該是自習課（因為老師不在教室內），同學們大都在自行學習（各自學習啥？就是自由心證了啦）。當然，是有些同學不＂安份守己＂，及榮昇坐我正後面，就是其中之一。也不太記得他是如何由後面做弄我，我回頭給他口頭警告（警告幾次、內容也都忘了，但肯定是有警告），他不聽，依舊我行我素，我忍無可忍，右手以拳頭持著玉兔原子筆(對，就是那筆身是黃色、頭尾是籃色的原子筆），一回身，以迅雷不及掩耳之勢，帶著怒氣、拿筆尖往其腦袋瓜子用力敲下去，籃色的筆尾頓時以太空梭離地之式彈飛入空，教室立即靜止無聲（像是在觀看精彩的太空梭起飛），但安靜無聲不過一秒吧，隨即是血如噴泉而出（有在場証人的形容詞•••同學，你很愛亂套成語啊）、隨後血流如柱（又一誇張的証詞•••筆心怎麼成柱呀)、血流滿面（我覺得•••最多是血流半面），總之，"犯罪現場＂一片大亂，找老師的、找保健的、找金媽媽的（張克林透露，老師有叫他去找的）、硏究"犯罪現場＂的（CSI、八號分機看太多？）、害怕的、評論的、•••，我這"現行犯＂當時肯定呆若木雞、"束手就擒＂、腦內一片空白（後續如何，現已不復記得）吧？！空白到"我暗自喜歡的女同學還會讓我喑自喜歡嚒"都沒有閃入腦海！

我小時雖頑皮有餘，卻也算是好學生吧！小小年紀在杏壇惹下如此見血大禍，＂驚動萬教＂，事後回憶，也算是糗事一件吧！

在此向同學及榮昇說聲：對下起！（我根本不記得是否曾向他表達歉意呢）！

糗事二：百十高欄

憑著籃球從小打到大的底子及對運動的愛好，我的細胞是「各式運動、樣樣都來」的！

髙中時專精籃球、足球、游泳，以游泳成績最輝煌。田徑不是我強項，學校陸上運動會時，為了班上總成績，我也曾參加過800公尺、1500公尺、5000公尺、1600公尺接力，成績一般。高二運動會時，短跑校隊的同班同學（竹東來的，名字忘了）臨時建議我去跑百十高欄，理由是，我腿長、彈跳佳（主要理由是：冷門項目，人少，易得名次啦！）

「但要怎麼跳啊？」

「你就用力的跑、自然的跳嘛！•••你腿長、輕鬆就可以跳過！」(高中的我，挺好騙的）

當然他有示範如何起跳、跨欄，還幫我借來一雙短跑釘鞋（我第一次穿釘鞋），我也有模有樣的暖身、拉筋、踼腿、試跑，想著自己的跨欄美姿，十分鐘後我就上場比賽（計時的預賽，每組好像就只有兩人跑）了！

砰！

一開始我就輸在起跑點上了，也立即親身體會到英語"eat my dust"的成語。

就用力跑唄，或許還可以我長腿優勢後來居上！第一欄架，對手輕鬆跨過（我是看得一清二楚），換我如法炮製時，跑到欄架前卻因距離未算準，而怯到不敢跳，只好•••速度放慢•••小碎步(三寸金蓮小跑步)，立定用力的把它跳過去，那姿勢、或優勢•••（別提了）！隨後的每一欄架我都＂如法炮製、比照辦理＂，有幾欄架還要靠手的幫忙，唉，真的別提了！

終於跑完110公尺（好長的距離），還贏得在場鼓勵的掌聲（令人很糗的掌聲啊！）

[補記：一年多後入成大，在大四同系吳浩然、頼秋昌倆位學長的鼓勵、指導下（他倆都是田徑跨欄校隊），我參加了新生盃田徑賽中的百十高欄比賽，八人同時競賽，我榮獲冠軍（由那裡出糗、就由那裡頭）。大學四年的全校陸上運動會上（系際比賽），年年我都參加400公尺中欄比賽，分別獲第3名、第4名、第5名、第6名、•••我並沒有參加田徑校隊哦！]

糗事三：足球練習

高中時，我是足球校隊，是熱愛，更可以不用升降旗（練習足球嘛！）我也將此熱愛帶回村子內，幾個小蘿蔔頭、一粒球隨時隨地就可練踢。

有一回下午，一群蘿蔔頭（可能只有四人）在眷村的廣場上分兩隊踼全場（地小，只算是小全場啦）。廣場旁是隣長＂黃老頭＂家，隣長黃老頭怕吵，常要禁止小孩在廣場上嘻吵鬧叫，但，小孩若不嘻吵鬧叫的還叫小孩嚒？所以，一直以來黃老頭就是小孩們的死對頭！話說回到我們的兩隊比賽，還沒有踼到五分鐘，黃家大門就被打䦕，黃老頭搬了張椅子拿了份報紙走出門來（奇怪，他不是在睡午覺嚒！）在廣場邊大大方方的坐在椅子上（要看足球比賽嚒？）翻看報紙！場邊多了一位只見報紙不見人頭的觀眾，真讓吾等高超的足球絕技無法全力施展，但，我們當然仍是照踢無誤，輕聲細語、小心翼翼的啦！也不知何時，我以大腳傳球，踼歪了些，球劃破空中，不偏不倚直奔那張開的報紙，撕裂報紙，直擊報紙後的大頭，蘿蔔頭先行鳥獸散，只剩下"現行犯＂的我呆立原地，黃老頭也沒想到這足球竟會、竟敢直擊其老頭，當埸氣急腦休，破口大罵，我立即認錯陪不是也無濟於事•••唉！

糗事四：三八

「難怪你這麼三八！」

從小到大最常聽到這句他人對我的評語、笑聲、謬論，尤其是他人聽到我的生日當天國際上所有婦女都要與我同慶之後，•••是在嫉妒我吧！？

糗事五：花前月下

預官受訓時，有一回週末放假著軍便服外出，當然是立即去找那時的某一女友（勿對號入座呀！）晚飯後(軍便服也已換下放入袋內），倆人騎一單車至T大杜鵑花道旁散步，花前月下•••（以下刪253字），總之整個袋子內含隨身聽、皮包、證件、我的軍便服、女友剛領的薪水、我的幾塊現金，全不見了！

是該怪花前、月下、還是賊！？唉！

糗事六：電梯驚悚 [bonus!]

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.

She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'

Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.

A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.

'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!

Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her to do what they told her.

The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.

"Take my money and spare me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor,'" said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am."

He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.'

She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.

At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off.  She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
     
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.

The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan