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Who I am and where I am from?  

I am not a religious fanatic and I am under no illusion. However, it is kinds of illusions tell a story if one does not have virtual experiences in virtual reality. It seems to me that I have been caught in a power struggle between two invisibly powerful forces. one force, I called it a dark side of the force and it is brutal and cruel, has/had tried to cause agony or to inflict intense pain on me or even any one who is my siblings would not be escaped from excruciating pains. I brought them the agonizing ending. And the other force has/had made an attempt to protect me. However, the force, the light side of the force, that attempted to protect me, it appears to me, has been in disadvantaged position in their power struggles. Thus, the dark side of the force can continue to inflict severe pain and suffering upon me.

I do have my mom look but not complete her look. However, I do have my brothers and sisters look, from my mom side, not so much. I have 5 brothers, 2 older brothers died when they were 4 or 5 years old as my mom told me, and 4 sisters. An oldest sister and a fourth sister gave away for adopted as child brides before I was born. My oldest sister and second sister got married before I was born. My oldest sister was a mute as my mom said because her adopting parents did not gave her adequate medical care when she had a bad fever or hyperthermia, her larynx was burnt badly by the hyperthermia and she became mute when she was 10 or 11 years old and my fourth sister had similar situation as my oldest sister. My mom claimed that my fourth sister had overexposure to high temperatures, over 105 degrees when an adoptive mother carried my fourth sister back and threw my fourth sister on the floor of our home and left. I am sure, adoptive farmer parents without any education, as from my present-day perspective my fourth sisters must have been under consumption of water. Thus, her body may not have been able to regulate its temperature. She survived but hyperthermia cause her brain damage and she was only 6 years old. She was then adopted by nuns when she was 8 years old.

Parents bind legally or morally to protect their children at any cost. However, my mom would not hesitate to give her life to protect me. It was strange that my youngest brother who is three years younger than me had never been in my memory when I was between 3 and early 7 years of age and I had developed my memories strong enough to be recalled my early years as far back as age 3. I could remember that my mom only took me with her to wherever she went, such as a visit to my relatives or older sisters, to make sure that I would not be killed by my father. I just did not have any memory of my youngest brother with us or any memories of when he was born or my mom ever carried him and told me that he was my youngest brother. He was first in my memory when he was crying and screaming that I was not let him hit me once at my ages of 7. My mom carried me to walk through the creeks or carried me in her back at night to get back home from a visit to my relatives without my brother in her back. My youngest brother would be couple months old when I was early 4 years of age. Who took care of him?

It was very strange that I had a memory of all my brothers and sisters but my youngest brother before I was early 7 years of age. Especially, I had a vivid memory of my second brother who is two years older than me as a temple keeper or maintenance came to complain my second brother to my parents about the hole or holes on the mud brick walls as he claimed that my second brother banged the back of his head against mud brick walls of the Temple that cause few place of mud brick walls from dents to a hole or holes. My second brother was between 5 and 6 years of age, then. My parents knew the problems and it would cause an injury or damage of his head or brain as it was one of our neighbor’s gossips but my parents were farmers without any educations and overwhelmingly farming work, I did not think that they knew how to handle or had times or resources to handle my second brother’s problems which must had been caused by a certain chemical imbalance or disease. To make a bad situation worse, my father also tried to hit my oldest brother with a carrying pole. My older brother left home with his bicycle when he was 17 years old and I was either in my late 5 or early 6 years of age. He stayed at the temple which the nuns adopted my fourth sister. My oldest brother had never come back since he left.

The mysteries of my mom!   ------------TO BE CONTINUING--------------