出現在我周遭的事情，似乎挺奇怪的，我就像站在窗外，向內觀看著自己站在隱密重要的場景中。

就從超級市場事件開始，一個獨特的孩子惹來人最沒必要的注意。櫃檯上的貨物被打落，刺耳的尖叫聲穿牆而出。我感覺那孩子體內的能量像團火似的溢出，讓他就這麼無止盡的鬧下去。

大嚷大嚎後，這孩子迷失在他自己所製造出來的混亂中。有人想幫忙，卻無從著手；父母追不上他閃電般的速度。眾人匆忙的結帳後奪門而出，離開那終於被制服的〝恐怖份子〞。父母拉著瘋孩匆匆上車，希望避開另一樁災禍，蠕動的孩子被安全帶綁在後座，看著鏡子想：怎麼那麼像我。

我現在大了，不再那麼不成熟，但怎麼記得清楚童年的任何細節？我只能透過其他記得的人來回顧。聽我父母、鄰居說起，或那些在教會和學校照顧過我、忍受過我的老師或輔導告訴我；一點一滴，我將那些很久以前發生過的事情，拼湊出來。

在家裡，不總是像在大庭廣眾下那麼糟糕。我覺得比較平靜，雖疲累、卻是在一個舒適的環境裡。爸媽疼愛我，姊姊們雖不像爸媽那樣，但也愛護我；和家人在一起，我覺得窩心舒服。我還是會排斥規範、權威，因為沒辦法讓自己好好專心或乖乖的。

另一樁事件。
深夜在機場，我正和爸媽姊姊們準備飛往加拿大親戚家。那是慶祝完我七歲生日的第二天；應該夠大變乖的，但我卻沒有。大家都累了，就那麼等著，只有我，睏得亂跑發瘋。爸爸坐在那裡，時睡時醒，抱著我這個會角力的枕頭。

在加拿大，阿姨和舅舅們，總有人會問：他到底聽誰的話？整個假期，表哥表姊們得不停的管著我。我不是突然跳開、就是亂踢亂闖，這讓情況更加惡化。與其說那是個假期或家族團聚，不如說是場折磨。

看電視或玩電玩雖說會紓解這情況，但結果卻更慘。起初那些讓我全神貫注，乖乖的和姊姊或表哥們待在一起，但是回神後更糟，我會亂弄一氣，尋找新的樂子，讓大家都玩不成。有次要照張家族照，卻得浪費時間把我從逗弄鄰居家的狗拉回、或故意舞手弄腳的破壞畫面。我抱住表哥、哈他們癢、挑逗他們，以逃避他們對我的處罰。

小兒科醫生告訴我，他最初要診斷我這情況時，面對的最大挑戰就是得處理這位一刻也不肯乖乖坐著的病人，我當時還破壞護士臺上的文件檔案。

最令人頭痛並造成緊張負擔的，就是為了我的幸福，大家所花下的大量關注與愛。似乎每一秒鐘，爸爸媽媽甚至有時連姊姊們都會需要管管我。

在學校裡情況也類似，我在Walnut Creek Christian Academy從幼稚園一直讀到初中，課堂裡，我的進步非常慢。無論是下課時、課後托兒、或暑期活動，負責照管孩子安全的人每次都得大費周章，才能讓我不發生危險。漸漸地，父母決定捨棄藥物、不再依賴它們。讓人吃驚的是，經過很多的禱告之後，我的情況開始好轉。不再那麼瘋瘋癲顛、吵鬧發脾氣，我從被人輕篾中退到自我防護網裡。

當我開始在人際關係和課業上逐漸適應、進步時，交到一些能夠接受我古怪、不同的朋友。我的胡鬧行徑已經轉變為不屈饒、執著，但也較狹隘；過去任何事情都能讓我分心，現在卻變成一旦專注在某件事上就不能改變。

我挺蒙福的，小學老師們一路培育我走在神所為我預定的道路上。很多時候，我的行為理該招來處罰、斥責的；我疏遠同伴，每天惹出一堆麻煩，不是傷害別人就是不學好；人們卻為了我的好處，一再幫助我。瘋跑、破壞東西、在室內大聲喊叫，不聽話、悖逆、不知道自己在胡鬧些什麼；過去這些經驗，卻帶給我極奇妙的機會。

無論我過去做了什麼，那些經驗，對我現在和未來都大有好處。我逐漸長大，踏上當年照顧過我的那些人的地位和角色，我盡我所能來照顧那些和我過去情況類似的孩子。每個星期我帶領教會的孩子，我知道他們絕對不會像我以前那樣皮；當我想大發雷霆時，我想到像我這麼讓人頭大的孩子，也可以轉變成今天這種樣子。過去我雖然遭受過一些煩擾、嘲笑，但我從中學到可以向那些正經歷艱辛景況的人伸出援手。我也可以不再隨意對人亂發脾氣，或讓那些失控的情緒、衝動，公然的表露出來。

注意力不集中與好動(ADHD)，實在是我從神所蒙受的極大恩典。

／ 9. 10. 2010　阿丹寫
／ 9. 15. 2010   瀟碧譯



又到了全美的〝認識過動兒週〞，今年從9月13日至19日。
我放上這篇18歲阿丹寫的「我到哪裡去了？」(Where Have I Gone?) ，讓過動兒自己來回顧過動兒的種種吧！這文章寫得非常生動有趣，同時又真實有創意。
英文原文附於後。
/ 瀟碧 9. 17. 2010

Many instances that seem to happen in strange ways around me, I recall being an outside viewer yet standing in such a secret and significant place right in the middle of it. Starting at a grocery store, one particular youth drew the most unwarranted attention. Fallen products and produce lie where they have been yanked off from counter-tops, high disturbance shattering through the walls. I feel the intense heat and energy aroused within, catching the overflowing adrenaline allowing it to go on.

Over the intense crying and whining, the rage gets lost in the broken mess that is created. Those able and willing, fail at attempting to help; like the parents falling behind this speeding flash. An exodus for the check-outs and doors to leave as the terror is at last restrained. A rush to the car hoping to avoid another breakout, the squirming child is strapped to the back seat and glances across his mirrored reflection who looks a lot like me.

How clearly I can remember any details of my early childhood is at a loss, and now being older at an age grown out of such immaturity; I can only look back with a perspective from ones who have better memories. Hearing from my parents and neighbors, supervisors or teachers at Church and school having to watch and put up with me; I gather small bits and parts of long past stories. At home, it is not always as bad in public. I feel more calm, tired in a cozy surrounding. Adored dearly by Mother and Father, and ever so slightly by my older sisters; I seem to act upon a more hearty relationship and comfort with my family. Rules and authority all the same are rejected, as I can not seem to drive my focus and actions for any greater good.

Another account, it is late night at the airport and I am traveling with my parents and sister to relatives in Canada. First day right after celebrating my 7th birthday; I should be old enough to start a change but seemingly not yet. Everyone is tired, waiting, and only me extremely more fussy wanting to dash madly about to wreak havoc. Dad sits there drifting in and out of sleep, while he hugs me like a wrestling pillow. Amid my Aunties and Uncles, they have asked of whose command I answer to the best. The oldest of cousins spend almost the entire trip to get out of whose turn it is to handle me. Aggravated over whether I would suddenly jump or kick my way through whatever I want, this one vacation or reunion is more a harassment.

Often times the TV or video games would relieve the intensity but ends up enhancing it. At first it helped to keep me preoccupied on one game, staying in a fixed location with my sister and cousins. Only to go back to being even worse, I would abuse the game and drive angrily for more of the entertainment.　During a family photo, wasted time spent on drawing me away from either neighbors’ dogs or horseplay only to have the photo messed up as a result. Outside, I take on tackling or tickle fights or “footsie” attacks against any cousin I could get away with.　 My pediatrician tells of my first few visits when he diagnosed me with this particular condition. His greatest challenge trying to deal with a patient who does not sit still at all and has destroyed the paperwork files along with the nurse’s station.　 Massive head-aches and the burdening strain comes with the immense care and love for my well-being. Every second, it seems that both parents and maybe even my sister at times would be needed to come at my attention.

Similarly with school, in the classes I show slow improvement through the years up to Junior High at Walnut Creek Christian Academy. The yard duty, during recess or at daycare and summer activities, would always have the biggest chore to keep me from risk of danger. Gradually the medicines provided and depended upon were given up, and surprisingly I started doing better after much praying in the Lord. Not so much crazy madness or noisy fits but a withdrawal from all the public scorn into my protective stage. Few friends I made were able to accept my oddity and differences, as I began to slowly adapt and improve socially and academically. My craze has turned into a more inflexible and narrow pursuit, where I would be distracted from multiple things to being unable to change from a single, set task.

I have in mind the blessed teachers through elementary school that have built me up onto the path God has planned for me. So many times, my behavior called for physical abuse or verbal rage to discipline. Distant from my peers and causing such a problem everyday, either hurting someone or not studying well; it all has been dealt with for my benefit. Apart from furiously running about, mishandling property, loud exclamations indoors, and upfront rebellious disobedience to not realizing what I am doing; the experience with current, negative consequences is for me an amazing opportunity.

I recollect my past to do whatever is best in my present and future. Stepping into the place and roles of those who watched over me, I use my ability for those following in behind. The younger children dealt with weekly, I know they can never be as bad as I was. No matter how much wrath I want to unleash, all those times where I could have gone terribly wrong has turned out to this. Slightly coming upon persecution or ridicule for my past condition, I can use to my benefit when lending a hand to those going through their hardships. All my undergone, uncontrolled emotions and impulses need not be made known or dealt with onto others.

I have been graced from God, with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

/ 9. 10. 2010