英文十課Plus (5) 感覺詞彙學習 (下) - rabbitdog 的部落格

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英文十課Plus (5) 感覺詞彙學習 (下)

2009/12/26 09:06:55瀏覽2804｜回應2｜推薦19

英文十課Plus (5) 感覺詞彙學習 (下)

How to Express Difficult Feelings (from http://www.drnadig.com/feelings.htm)

Feelings and thoughts are different, but also are one and the same. They are like the head and tail of a coin. We react to events with both thoughts and feelings. Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling. If we only express our beliefs about the event and not the feelings, the bad feelings linger and are often harder to release. Whenever someone says, "I feel that..." the person is about to express a belief, not a feeling.

Guidelines For Expressing Feelings

	Try to be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you are feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, sad, hurt, lonely, etc.).
	Specify the degree of the feelings, and you will reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, "I am angry" means you are extremely angry when you actually mean a "little irritated".
	When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated when they first hear "I am angry with you", and they could miss the message.
	If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: "I have mixed feelings about what you just did. I am glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. It was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating".

Techniques for Expressing Feelings

The two following - I feel statements and I messages will help you:

	Express feelings productively.
	Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered by his or her behavior.
	Express difficult feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the person.
	Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel.
	Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a bigger problem.
	Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive, and increases the likelihood that the person will listen.

When you first start using these techniques they will be cumbersome and awkward to apply, and not very useful if you only know them as techniques. However, if you practice these techniques and turn them into skills, it will be easy for you to express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.

Which of the two methods you use for expressing your feelings should depend on your goal, the importance or difficulty of your feelings and the situation.

I feel statements are used in situations that are clear and fairly simple, when you what to express yourself and avoid a buildup of feelings without attacking or hurting the self-esteem of the other.

I messages are used in more complex situations to clarify for yourself and the other person just what you are feeling when a) you have difficult negative feelings, b) you confront someone and want them to change their behavior, and c) it is very sensitive and important that the other person accurately understand.

I Feel Statements
These statements take the form of "When you did that thing I felt this way.That thing is a behavior of the other person, and this way is your specific feelings. Here are some examples:

"I felt embarrassed when you told our friends how we are pinching pennies."
"I liked it when you helped with the dishes without being asked."
"I feel hurt and am disappointed that you forgot our anniversary".
I Messages
It is called an I message because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. This is in contrast to a You message which focuses on and gives a message about the other person. When using I messages you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. A You message does not communicate a feeling, but a belief about the other person. The essence of an I message is "I have a problem", while the essence of a You message is "You have a problem".
There are four parts to an I message:
When ... Describe the person’s behavior you are reacting to in an objective, non-blameful, and non-judgmental manner.
The effects are ... Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. (This is the most important part for the other person to understand - your reaction.)
I feel ... Say how you feel. (This is the most important part to prevent a buildup of feelings.)
I’d prefer ... Tell the person what you want or what you prefer they do. You can omit this part if it is obvious.
The order in which you express these parts is usually not important. Here are some examples:
" When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you work on your personal affairs."
"I lose my concentration when you come in to ask a question, and I don’t like it. Please don’t interrupt me when I am working unless it is urgent."
"It is very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket."
"I resent it when your flirting with the women keeps you from having time for your work, because it means more work for me."
Common Mistakes
Not expressing a feeling at all, expressing a belief or judgment.
Sending a disguised You message.
Only expressing negative feelings.
The nonverbal body language contradicting the words. For example, smiling when irritated.
Practice these techniques and turn them into useful skills. Make it easy for yourself to spontaneously express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.
Anger Management
(BOOK: Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way)

Dr. Les Carter says, "Anger is closely tied to your sense of well-being as a person and closely tied to your feeling of worthiness. The less worthy you feel, the more likely you are to try to compensate for that by laying into someone, by blaming or accusing him or her, and that's where your inferiority feelings can show themselves as anger.
We live in an angry society. From road rage to workplace incidents to marital bickering, out-of-control anger is all around us. How can we handle our anger and help those we love with theirs? How can we teach our children to deal with their anger? And what about those long-simmering feelings of anger toward people in our past? What's the difference between "bad" anger and "good"? Bestselling author and relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman offers helpful, and sometimes surprising, insights on why we get angry, what we can do about it, and how we can use anger for good.

Managing Negative Emotions
(from
http://eqi.org/emotions.htm#Managing Negative Emotions )

General Guidelines
Here are few general guidelines for managing negative emotions. .
First, identify the feeling. Next, ask if is a healthy feeling. Then list your options and chose the one which is most likely to lead to your long-term happiness.
After asking these first two questions, the next step is to ask what would help you feel better. Try to focus on answers which are in your control, since it would be easy, but not too helpful, to think of things ways others could change so you would feel better.
Another question is to ask how you want to feel. This helps you direct your thoughts in a positive direction.

To summarize, here are some helpful questions:
How am I feeling?
Is it a healthy feeling?
How do I want to feel?
What would help me feel better (that I can control)?

Expressing Negative Feelings
Here are a few suggestions for communicating your negative feelings:

Don't be dramatic.

Don't wait till things build up.

Be brief.

Don't blame or lay guilt trips.

Talk about how you feel.

Ask how the other person feels.

Offer a way to save face. (For example, "Perhaps I
misunderstood you," or "I know your intentions were good.")

Learning to identify, label and constructively express our emotions are the stepping stones to building positive social skills and self-esteem.It is a good idea to learn emotion management  as a part of self improvement and empowerment. Emotion management refers to the ways in which people influence their own feelings and expressions and the ways in which they influence other people’s feelings.

Feelings Word List http://www.drnadig.com/feelings_list.htm
Positive Feelings
Intense
loved, adored, idolized, alive, wanted, lustful, worthy, pity, respected, empathy, awed, enthusiastic, zealous, courageous
Strong
enchanted, ardor, infatuated, tender, vibrant, independent, capable, happy , proud, gratified, worthy, sympathetic, important, concerned, appreciated, consoled, delighted, eager, optimistic, joyful, courage, hopeful, valiant, brave, brilliant
Moderate
liked, cared for, esteemed, affectionate, fond, excited, patient, strong, gay, inspired, anticipating, amused, yearning, popular, peaceful, appealing, determined, pleased, excited, jolly, relieved, glad, adventurous, peaceful, intelligent
Mild
friendly, regarded, benevolent, wide awake, at-ease, relaxed, comfortable, content, keen, amazed, alert, sure, attractive, approved, untroubled, graceful, turned on, warm, amused, daring, comfortable, smart, interested
Negative Feelings
Mild
unpopular, listless, moody, lethargic, gloomy, dismal, discontented, tired, indifferent, unsure, impatient, dependent, unimportant, regretful, bashful, puzzled, self-conscious, edgy, upset, reluctant, timid, mixed-up, sullen, provoked
Moderate
suspicious, envious, enmity, aversion, dejected, unhappy, bored, forlorn, disappointed, wearied, inadequate, ineffectual, helpless, resigned, apathetic, shy, uncomfortable, baffled, confused, nervous, tempted, tense, worried, perplexed, troubled, disdainful, contemptuous, alarmed, annoyed, provoked
Strong
disgusted, resentful, bitter, detested, fed-up, frustrated, sad, depressed, sick, dissatisfied, fatigued, worn-out, useless, weak, hopeless, forlorn, rejected, guilty, embarrassed, inhibited, bewildered, frightened, anxious, dismayed, apprehensive, disturbed, antagonistic, vengeful, indignant, mad, torn
Intense
hate, unloved, abhor, despised, angry, hurt, miserable, pain, lonely, cynical, worthless, impotent, futile, accursed, abandoned, estranged, degraded, humiliated, shocked, panicky, trapped, horrified, afraid, scared, terrified, threatened, infuriated, furious, exhausted

Related Information links:

Mood Disorders (US Dept of HHS)
Mood Disorders Fact Sheet (National Mental Health Association)
Positive Psychology Center (U of Penn.)
董氏基金會心理衛生組  (Blog)
心理小百科 (臺北市社區心理衛生中心)
HOW TO HANDLE YOUR EMOTIONS (for Grades 5-9)

Related Articles:

Basic Guidelines for Interpersonal Communication
Guidelines for Interpersonal Communication

Nonverbal Communication Skills
Unpleasant Situations Elicit Different Emotional Responses in Younger and Older Adults

Emotions http://eqi.org/emotions.htm

Books and Videos:
Excuses Begone  by Dr. Wayne Dyer
Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel G. Amen, MD
You can be HAPPY no matter what by Richard Carlson, Ph.D.
Communicating at work by Ronald B. Adler & Jeanne Marquardt Elmhorst

POSITIVE QUOTE OF THE DAY
-----------------------------

Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of pleasures,
costs nothing, and conveys much.

( 知識學習｜語言 )


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