Walking down the stone paved footpath among a sea of people on this late cold November night after the ceremony, I felt lonely. 

I couldn’t remember when the last time I felt lonely was.  I was the one who chose not to talk to people, to be left alone, to enjoy a quiet time.  And now, I am wrapped in this deep sense of loneliness.

I had walked on this beautiful footpath paved in ancient stones numerous times.  I had walked on this footpath with friends, with family members, with my son and by myself with all kind of emotions and sensations, but never with loneliness.

“No fear” - That was what my son told me when he was 16 after the ceremony we walked on the same path.  He said I prayed for “No fear”.  I could picture the scene in my mind.   I could sense my own surprised and comprehension that he was the one who just taught me a lesson - not me who supposedly guided him on his life journey.

The phrase stayed with me while I was walking on the path.  Yes, “No fear”.  A 16 years old boy could realize that was all he needed in his life journey, why couldn’t I?

I fear for my future because there is no road map for me to follow after living with a goal and plan to raise a child, I am at lost now.  While I had pride in “My independence”, actually became my biggest enemy.   I had boxed myself in the cage of “Too many choices actually became no choice”.  I am standing still far too long now.  Looking back, I could see that it was not a random choice of posting in my blog.  Why did I choose to post those articles and not others out of so many written pieces?   I was crying for someone who would see ‘me”, the real me!

But, why do I hide behind a predominately Chinese writing blog site?  Am I so afraid of exploring “me” to let others to see me?  What am I afraid of?  I spent the first quarter of my years as a daughter and wife, a person who disliked the social constraints, and wanted to fly away.  I spent the next quarter of my years to raise a human being.  Now, what do I want to do for the next quarter of my years?  Is it the uncertainty or the lack of purpose in life that I am afraid of?  Or is it something else?

Somehow in a small way, the action of posting and talking to virtual persons helped me open myself up.  It made me feel safe, because no one actually ‘saw” it, and I was comfy in my own little world.  How can I find myself if I keep hiding myself?  If I truly want to find my future, to face what I’m truly afraid of.  It is time for me to move out from this hiding place.  But, where should I go?

How ironic that a person has seemingly unlimited options, actually has none!   I reached the end of path. The glittery candle light inside the lanterns by the gate looked like the two little stars that guided us walking into the unknown as we were all in the same boat of crossing with “Fear” or “No fear”.

An aura of two sparklingly candle light inside the two lanterns by the gate in a dark night enclosed in a heavy mist on the same November night years ago surfaced in front of me.  That night I wasn’t walking alone, but felt surrounded by serenity and solitude.  That night I sensed that I was there in another era while walking in the dense mist.  That night and tonight – past, present and future are one.

I understood now why I felt lonely.  We all walk on our own path (life journey) alone no matter how crammed the path is or how many seemly walked along side are.  Before I found my own path to walk on with confidence, I can’t ask anyone to see ME, and walk on the same path with me.

November, 2011