Body function urged me to get out the bed at 3:00 AM.  I have trouble sleeping for the last few weeks.   I finally drifted off around 1:30 AM and this was extremely irritating.

For some reason, the bedroom with the drape closed and hallway were not in complete darkness, I didn’t have to turn the lights on.  When I sat on the throne the brightest light shined through the window blinds.  Gosh! The light was annoying from the back yard neighbor’s kid party again!  Actually he is not a kid anymore, a 20 something still lives at home!  Was he still having the party going on at 3:00 AM, wasn’t it after Labor Day?   But there was no noise!  It was actually peacefully silent!  Ha, his poor parents! They had to hear complaints after complaints about him from the neighbors, every time, when they were back from out of town overnight trips.

I’m always wondering what I would do, if this is my kid.  Would I throw him out?  Would l be estranged with him? I am glad that I never complaints about the kid, because my bedroom is far away from the backyard, when the windows and doors are shut, light music is playing, I can hardly hear the noises.  Would I join in the complaint committee, if I can hear the party noises?  

I remembered one time when I found him jumping over the stone wall from my back yard as I drove up my drive way.  I did not know why he did it, and nothing was amiss.  But, I called the police and reported I saw someone ran away from my backyard.   I did not say it was him.  I just wanted this event on the police record and scare him a little bit.  The police asked me – couldn’t it have been from the house behind me?  Oh! I couldn’t say I only saw the red short, I couldn’t ID a thing.   I guess he was famous among the police then.

I opened the blind, and the bright light directed at me, but it is not from the neighbor’s backyard, it was from the sky high above, The Harvest Moon!!  The moon was high up and not as big as I expected, but the light!!  Such vivid light!!!

Who would know!  I would actually see it!  I think I need this lesson over and over again - I should NEVER presume the reason for unknown situations.  Irritation and Negative thinking should always be left at the door.

May be my spirit and body have worked together to wake me up to see the HARVEST MOON, because I was hoping to see it, but sleeping was a priority with the present life condition.  May be the kid learned his lesson and had parties cease at 12:00 AM;   May be the kid was no longer an irresponsible kid and finally grew up, and the quietness actually woke me up.

Is it because I am sick again, so I become thoughtful, and forgiven?   Or, I did change the secluded part of me and let others get closer to me more, in turn, I become this nicer person?  Or just getting old?

Illness has its way of changing a person – I have to agree to it.  A lot of things which use to be important to me, no longer are.  Low energy level makes me care less about what should be done “properly”.   I don’t look at life in a different way, but I am more determined to complete my bucket list.  I am less worried about needing extra xx years earning in my retirement fund.  I am thinking about how to spend what I have, to do the things I am longing to do, and how to do it.

Nothing is settling yet – I mean there is no word about how serious the situation is yet, only after the next run of testing will we have a better picture of the situation.  Maybe the surgery had taken care of it:  May be there is something else:  May be the one scheduled treatment of radiation will take care it all!  But one way or another I know I am not going to die from this.  That is comforting, isn’t it?

While I was driving toward my destination, I had this sudden sharp pain and discomfort that prompted me to drive faster than ever to my friend’s house and not long after I arrived, I threw up.  I had to return home.  While driving with a plastic bag between the steering wheel and me, I was also driving toward a giant big dim yellow circle on the tree top.  (Gee! how much food a person can hold in that supposedly to be tiny paunch inside our body! Please, please, don’t over blow from the bag! I don’t think buying a new car is on my list!)  

In a peculiar way, I did see the huge harvest moon from the start in the horizon sky, from the soft yellow illumination becoming brighter and brighter: The vivid light from high above the sky.  Realizing ones desire with joy and suffering the unspeakable constant puking at the same time – joy and suffering, it is also a life condition, isn’t that?   At least - one thing off the bucket list!

September 2014