一月10日

既然已錯過今早的課, 我再沒有理由,趕搭一大早繞經紐約班機的道理,昨夜聯絡美國航空,改程今天下午1點直飛北卡的飛機。匹茲堡的早晨還是冷颼颼,但是聽說北卡的溫度回升、冰雪在融化,飛機安全降落應不成問題。到達匹茲堡機場的時候才早上11點鐘,直接到了乘客自服機器去印登機證,但是螢幕閃了要我到櫃檯去的訊息。我一顆心應時沉了下去!

美國航空開了5個服務櫃台,因此輪到我時,發現又碰上昨天在登機門的服務員,我們兩人都有一股會心的驚訝,我相信她一定記得我淚下的模樣, 這會子,臉上掛的是溫柔的笑容。但這讓人舒懷的笑容,在她查了我的定位代碼後,馬上換成了同情的神色,她輕輕的說:「抱歉..」我即刻把我的頭跟臉埋在我兩掌之間,不想再聽下去,但她還是緩緩的繼續說「這班機已被取消,我可以....」我麻了似的離開櫃台,走到就近的一片落地窗前,面對外面的冰天雪地,用盡情緒吼出最激烈的無聲吶喊,眼淚啪啦啦又沒用的爬了滿臉…幾分鐘後,我走回櫃檯,那耐心等著的服務人員,交給我新的登機證,排的是傍晚6點的飛機。這班飛機應該昨晚,就把我帶回家,但是在這個時候,我開始懷疑,我班機是不是真的在這個宇宙存在? 我送了一個電郵給同事,說著:我已經盡了回北卡最大的努力,如果這班飛機不起啟程,也許命運在告訴我,我根本就不應該回去。我會改乘往亞利桑那的飛機!

通過安全檢查後,我站在通往不同登機門通道的交叉口,靜靜地定在不斷匆忙擦身過的旅人中。我才意會到,這段日子來,一顆心一直掛在雲霄飛車上的我,突然有將近7個小時的空白,沒有慌張、沒有責任,也沒有一定要完成的事。我選擇了一個酒坊餐廳的角落,坐了下來,點了簡單的午餐、雞尾酒,看著臉書。原便不勝酒力的我,慢慢的平靜、放慢呼吸; 回想這過去三天,我恍然有了那種跳到身外看自己的意象。我開始想,上天是不是故意將我推到深谷裡,好讓我養成往上爬的體能和勇氣? 因為一個新的生活,不是簡單舊型式的延續,而必是一個認真的的學習!我開始在臉書上寫下當時的感觸,寫完時,登機時間已近,而我的心也從一片糾結中,慢慢有了穩定的頻率。

再來的登機,還有飛行,都是沒有意外的順利。但當我的飛機落地在北卡機場跑道,我傳簡訊給關心我的朋友報平安時,有著無法言語的激動。 我的車在停車場裡,像一個島似的,仍被包圍在一地的薄冰裡,我急行過黑夜,繞過屈行的鄉間小道,帶著她回家。推開屋門,房子是寂靜冰暗的,我開了燈,調高暖氣;在輕鬆的情緒,篤定的心中,安全地回到家裡!!

January 10

On the 10^th, Pittsburg was still frigid cold in the morning but North Carolina reported rising temperature and melting ice. Since I had to miss my lectures anyway, the night before, I had requested American Airline to reschedule me for the 1pm flight to Raleigh-Durham International Airport (RDU). I arrived at Pittsburg International Airport at 11am and went to the kiosk for boarding pass, but it would not process my request and directed me to the full service counter. I had a sunken feeling!!

There were five agents working at the service counters; hence, it was probably to both our surprises that I was called by the very same lady who had helped me rebook my flight the night before. She recognized me (and would most likely remember my tears as well) but this time she wore a warm smile, which subsided quickly upon punching in my reservation code. With a sympathetic look, she spoke softly first “I am sorry.” I instantly buried my face in my intertwined hands and did not want to hear the rest, but she proceeded nonetheless “Your flight has been canceled.” Almost numbed, I asked to be excused immediately, walked away from the counter, and then froze in front of a nearby panel of window; there, in the impossible world I was trapped, I screamed with the loudest silent cry crashing through the space, and the tears that had become so cheap rushed down my cheeks. The lady was extremely kind and patient, and there, she waited for me returning to the counter and handed me the boarding pass for the 6pm flight. This would have been the flight taking me home last night but I had begun wondering whether the flight really existed. I would then send an email to colleagues “If this evening flight does not take off, I am taking the next flight back to Phoenix. It’s not meant to be; I am done trying to come back.” I was inconsolable.

But, when I realized that I had almost 7 hours of “blank space” to fill in, my mind that has been racing with tasks and emotion came to a standstill. I stood at a cross juncture at the terminal after passing the security check, choices of where to perch myself for the next many hours were wide open. There was no rush, no obligation, and no happening. I chose a bar and grill restaurant, ordered drink, food, and opened my laptop; unable to gather sufficient cognitive function for work, I was just checking the news feeds on Face Book. Unexpectedly, in the next few hours, my saturated senses once attached to all the external inputs began fading, and I experienced an almost out-of-body experience. I began to see, perhaps, this 3-day saga of return was preparing me for a true new life of my own; it allowed me to release the pain so carefully tugged away and to build a committed resilience to face whatever ahead for me.  A new life is not simply an extension of the past but an active engagement of becoming.

Boarding of the flight and the flight itself were joyfully uneventful, and I texted concerning friends my “touch down” when the plane hit the RDU runway. I found my car faithful sitting in an ice patch like a safe island. Pushing off the ice still casting the windshield, I began my final leg of journey home, cutting through the darkness of night and navigating through the winding country roads. Opening the door, switching on the light, I found my home silent and cold, but I felt safe because I was home!!