我夜夜無法成眠。

住在北卡州3年多來,雖然工作緊張、繁忙,但是生活是簡單的:除了偶爾浮現的小情緒,每天忙碌但「單調」的日子,有一個包裝好的穩定度。但是,在亞利桑那州的這禮拜間,日日夜夜,情緒上的衝擊是我無法承受的飽和。腦神經網路像閃電、煙火般的多方照亮,毫無頭緒,我的頭顱裏是一個戰場, 無法平息的火光,閃亮在無息的夜晚。

一月4號:我清晨醒來, 我的右眼視線裡不斷有一個飛行的黑圓圈,加上邊緣的閃光。心慌了起來,怕是初期視網膜剝離,不能飛行、得緊急處理,等著就醫的一整天,雖是心驚膽顫,北卡、亞利桑那、台灣朋友捎來的關懷和援助,讓我帯淚感恩!

1月5號: 我陪著好友到腫瘤科看診,接聽取乳癌診斷的消息。這心愛的朋友是一個由心到外,全方位的美女子,去年才剛經歷過肺癌的挑戰。我對她的心疼,頓時欲淚崩,但這奇女子,在這新的煎熬即將開始的時刻,再一次表現她的淡定和對生命的勇氣。我留下時間有限,只能陪她走一小段這辛苦的路,但是我感激我們的情誼更深了,分享痛苦、恐懼、失望,還不時的提醒對方擁有的寶貴。但,我也是心虛的,因為羨慕她身邊擁有的愛。 易地而處,我不知道我走不走的下去?

一月6號至7號間,是很多和朋友餐聚的日子: 晚餐、午餐,餐廳裡、朋友的家裡。這些老朋友是我在美國的親人,在一起的時間總是溫暖的時光,孩子們從小一塊長大,現在個個是有思想見地的青年男女。大人們也聊的開心,夜深了,我仍坐在那裡靜靜的分享,我這三年來在東岸,個人的和工作上的經歷。招攬回歸的手,熱情的擁抱,讓我動容;離開這靛藍天空的”家鄉”回到冰雪正攏罩的北卡,回到重新一個人的簡單,變成非常困難的選擇!

但是,再困難也要走下去,打包行李是不能再拖的了!因為下個禮拜有課要上,有會要開。對我這個一月的旅人來說,假期已經結束了。我心裏也清楚明白,我衷心愛的工作,會在未來的幾日,幫我的時間和心填滿,這些心裏的牽扯就會慢慢淡去。

The January Traveler: Chapter Three, Insomnia

I became insomnia.

For more than three years living in North Carolina, though stressed with work, my life was simple with only occasional  outcries.  I have relied on the monotonic quality of daily rhythm for emotional stability.  But, here in AZ, day in and day out, I was constantly, emotionally charged, and the saturated senses persistently fired up my neuronal circuitries in random fashions. The excitatory inputs coming from all directions prevented the inhibitory processes to shut down my brain at night.  My skull became a war zone, and I could no longer sleep.

Every incident was registered; every event became a trigger:

-         January 4^th: I woke up with a floating dark ring and occasional light flashes in my right eye. Terrified with the possibility of a retinal detachment (it turns out to be posterior vitreous body detachment), I went through a day of panics- while the loving support of my dear friends from all walks of my life reminded me I was never alone.

-         January 5^th: Accompanying my dear friend to an oncology clinic, she received the news of her breast cancer diagnosis. One of the most graceful, giving, beautiful human beings, she had just battled a lung cancer less than a year ago. Yet, at another difficult beginning, she showed me her courage for life right there: while I was choking up, she took it all in and simply put it “such is life”. Days onward, we bonded even more, sharing our pain, fear, missed or blessed treasures. I wanted to carry the burden of her pain but also guiltily realized my envy of the rich love around her. A courageous soul, she continues to inspire us all by sharing her vulnerability and perseverance during this challenging journey.

-         January 6^th and 7^th: Gathering and gathering, over dinners and during lunches, at busy restaurants and in the comfort of a home-with friends who are dear to me and are my extended family. The conversation was rich, recalling memories and filling the missing links, and the food was utmost abundant, bursting with arousing taste and aroma. In a large house party, I watched the young kids we raised together now fine young men and women, and gradually I shared my life outside this family circle, from afar in the East coast. There are welcoming hands and loving embraces, enticing me to come home, so to be surrounded my old friends and to escape the aloneness. It became a torment to say goodbye.

But, as hard as it was, I must begin packing; there were lectures to be given and meetings to attend in the coming days.  For this January traveler, the vacation was over, and I knew my job that I passionately love would soon fill my mind and time. Tomorrow, I would be scheduled to return.