米國政治笑話(六)

1、三個承包商（Three contractors）

三個承包商出價競標修理白宮的柵欄。三位分別來自芝加哥、自田納西州及明尼蘇達州來的。他們與白宮官員去檢視柵欄。明尼蘇達州的承包商拿出捲尺做了一些量測，然後用鉛筆算了一些數字，說：「這項工作要$900，$400材料費，$400工錢，$100是我的利潤。」田納西州的承包商也做了一些量測和計算，然後說：「$700就夠了。$300材料費，$300工錢，$100是我的利潤。」芝加哥承包商沒有量測、也沒有計算，他湊到了白宮官員的耳旁竊竊私語：「$2,700元。」官員不信地說：「你甚至沒有像其他兩位動尺動筆，你是怎麼想出這麼高的數字？」芝加哥承包商低聲回道，「$1000給我，$1000給你，還剩$700就請那田納西州的傢伙來做。」「搞定！」官員回復。朋友們，這就是新的經濟刺激計劃。
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

2、政客是這麼來的（The making of a politician）

當父親送三個兒子唸大學時，他告訴他們：「為你們提供最好的教育是我的責任，你們並不欠我任何東西，但我希望你們會心存感恩。當我逝去躺在棺材內時，請你們每一位放一千元在我棺材內。」
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

三個兒子的事業都很成功，分別成了醫生、律師和財務規劃師，也都很有錢。當他們的父親躺在棺材內時，他們想起了父親的心願。
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

首先，醫生兒子把10張百元美鈔放在死者的胸前。
First, it was the doctor who put 10 --- $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

然後，財務規劃師也把一千元放入。
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

最後，換了傷心欲絕的律師。他把手伸進口袋，掏出了支票簿，寫了一張三千元的支票放進父親的棺木，並拿回那二千元的現金。
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn.  He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

這位律師兒子後來成了國會議員。
He later went on to become a member of Congress.

3、政客和尿布（Politicians and diapers）

政客和尿布有一個共同點：一段時間就要換掉更新，而且換掉的原因也是相同的。
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

4、圍牆（Wall）

在內華達州共和黨黨團會議中唐納德·特朗普取得了巨大的勝利後，以致他一步步接近成為共和黨總統候選人。特朗普成為美國總統由遙不可及的天方夜譚到觸手可及的真實夢魘，墨西哥開始覺得一道美墨間的圍牆是一個非常不錯的想法，加拿大也正計劃建造一道堵牆。
After the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump scored a big victory, bringing him one step closer to the Republican nomination. A Trump presidency is getting so real, Mexico is starting to think a wall is a pretty great idea. Canada plans to build a wall as well.

5、世紀之言（Quote Of the Decade）
「一個自由的天堂，是一個人人有就業保障的地方，還有免費又全面的醫療照護，並且教育免費，食物免費，住房免費，衣服免費，水電免費，只有執法者有槍。」
“A liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.”
「而且，信不信，這樣的地方已經確實存在了：監獄。」~亞利桑那州鳳凰城喬·阿爾帕約警長
 "And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It's called Prison."Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Phoenix, AZ

6、國會（Congress）
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
（原滋原味的翻出此句是mission impossible，所以，看原文吧！）