UK's favorite joke

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off and go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

Canada's favorite joke:

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Scotland's favorite joke:

Note from a generous man: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

America's favorite joke:

Two friends are playing golf at their local course. One is about to chip on to the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "That is the most touching thing I have ever seen. I never knew you were such a sensitive man."

The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Northern Ireland's favorite joke:

A doctor says to his patient: "I have bad news and worse news."

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

England's favorite joke:

Two weasels are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other.

He screams: "I've slept with your mother!"

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens for what the other weasel will say.

The first one yells again: "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

At last, the other says: "Go home, dad, you're drunk."

Australia's favorite joke:

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking all strung out.

She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me?"

The doctor looks her over and calmly says: "Well, I can tell you there's nothing wrong with your eyesight…"

Germany's favourite joke:

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper, frown and say: "That's not it."

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier examined.

A military psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army and handed it to the soldier, who picked it up, smiled and said:

"That's it."