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----------------- How to stop being annoyed by life By David G. Allan, CNN Updated 1731 GMT (0131 HKT) August 9, 2016
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This essay is part of a column called The Wisdom Project by David Allan, editorial director of CNN Health and Wellness. The series is on applying to ones life the wisdom and philosophy found everywhere, from ancient texts to pop culture. You can follow David at @davidgallan. Dont miss another Wisdom Project column; subscribe here. (CNN)Do you get easily annoyed? At times, does that emotion quickly escalate to anger? You are not alone. You shouldnt live with it, though. Beyond improvements to your general mood and happiness, taming your anger can have important benefits to your health. Constant stress and aggravation is linked to a range of issues including overeating, insomnia and depression, and angry outbursts increase the risk of heart attacks and strokes. Despite how common it is for us humans to become annoyed and angry -- from road rage to air rage and work frustrations to parenting -- there are few easy solutions. Maybe weve just accepted outsize irritation as a part of life, or maybe simple answers are antithetical to a problem that can be ingrained. Easily getting bent out of shape, even angry, is my problem, too. It was happening more than I wanted and was cumulatively stressing me out, which is why, a couple of years ago, I set a goal to come up with an easy system, based on sound psychology, that I could employ in moments of annoyance. Anger "is like a blazing flame that burns up our self-control," the Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh wrote. I aimed to teach myself how to rob it of oxygen and snuff it out. "We all have a fight or flight trigger," explained Dr. Mark Crawford, a clinical psychologist. "It is adaptive. Some of us have a more sensitive one than others. However, the good news is that we can almost reprogram this by techniques like breathing and particularly mindfulness meditation." For me, that reprogamming was best achieved by gaining perspective.
Drawing upon your own life experiments Below are the 10 simple steps I use to give perspective to, and gain distance from, unbridled irritation and anger. Employing them has significantly reduced the number of instances in which I get irritated, or at least has shortened their duration. Its important to note that these are progressive steps. I rarely need to escalate through all 10. Many smaller annoyances (someone cutting in line, traffic jam, kids not listening) can be tackled with just the first step. Others (unfair parking ticket, public rudeness) may send you halfway up the steps. And bigger situations (a blow-up with a family member, being denied a promotion at work) may require the collective effort of them all before it is defused. You may also find it more effective to change the order, or a step itself. Step one: 10 breaths At the first moment you realize you are experiencing annoyance or anger, just breathe. Ten slow, deep, even breaths do wonders. Sometimes, the annoyance will have passed in just that time. Even if it hasnt, the breaths still help. Diaphragmatic or abdominal (as opposed to shallow) breaths, in which you breathe from deeper inside your belly and fill your lungs, deliver more oxygen to your body, which stabilizes blood pressure and helps invoke your bodys relaxation response.
It may help to add a mantra ("I have the patience of the Buddha" is one I like to use when the kids bedtime-delaying tactics are keeping me from relaxing on the couch) or a calming image to hold in your mind. I sometimes accompany my 10 breaths with a memory of a surfer I once watched paddling into the sunset of the Pacific Ocean. He is often capable of pulling my annoyance out to sea with him. Step two: Explain it to yourself If the breaths dont make a dent, try explaining whats happening to yourself. "Im annoyed right now because ..." is a good sentence to finish. Articulating the issue changes your response from emotion to logic. The explanation itself may be all you need, either because it creates an even longer mental break from the situation than just breathing or because when you say it to yourself, it makes more sense. It may even sound petty or even funny. Step three: Walk a meter in their shoes Make use of this step when another person is part of the reason you are upset. Try hard to see the situation from their reality and invent a subjective theory for why they did what they did. Your theory will probably be rooted in a cause thats benign or about them, not you. Next time someone cuts you off in traffic, maybe you can think about an emergency that might be affecting their behavior. Step four: Role model grace Think beyond the annoyance, or annoying person, and focus on your own behavior. By thinking of how you can be a model for grace under pressure, you help yourself to become one. What would the most diplomatic, logically thinking version of yourself do next? Do that. It may help to think of a cool, calm and collected pop culture icon such as James Bond, Ellen Ripley, Cary Grant, Pam Grier or Obi-Wan Kenobi. Step five: This too shall pass Whatever it is that is getting your goat, it is temporary and manageable. You wont always feel this way. Its just a question of how long. Acknowledging that your annoyance is finite and in your control, and that the winds of change will blow again in your favor (sooner or later), helps frame the scope of the problem, no matter how large. Step six: What really matters? How important is the matter upsetting you? How does it stack up against the things in life that you know matter? What is important (loved ones are a good example) can be the antidote to what troubles you now -- as long as you can bring them to mind in this moment. Turn your attention in that direction, and you wont just be distracted but connected to something more important that brings you happiness. Scrolling through the photo stream on your phone is a quick way to do this. Step seven: A funny thing happened on the way Whatever the annoyance, make a joke about it, even if its a bad one. If you can find some grain of humor in the situation, smiling, laughing and even being silly can all defuse anger and annoyance. Its not psychologically possible to experience two emotions at once. This technique is great when my child is making me wait to brush her teeth because she "has" to brush her stuffed penguins teeth first. Even if youre not feeling it, the fake-it-until-you-make-it trick of smiling to boost happiness really works. Step eight: Seek solutions If youve made it this far up the steps and you are still really peeved, heres a good (if seemingly obvious) question to ask yourself: "Is there something I can do to make it better?" Even if the answer is a small step that may not seem that effective, just taking action gets you out into the frame of acting, not reacting. If you can then come up with a successful solution, so much the better. You will be the agent of change that fixes the situation and discover that you have more power than you think. Just pause to make sure your solution wont create another problem. (Hint: Sleep on that angry email response.) If you cant come up with anything, thats useful, too. Knowing that you cant change something is the first step in accepting it. Cue the Serenity Prayer. Step nine: Trust in time In the future, it is possible that you will see this particular anger-causing situation differently. Look at past problems and see how theyve been a catalyst for change or even a blessing in disguise. You may even look back at a difficult situation with fondness, humor or gratefulness (for having overcome it). Its worth keeping in mind that what seems bad now wont always be so. Step 10: Call a lifeline If youve hit No. 10, its time to talk about the frustration with someone you trust who is not involved in the situation. Start by telling them what you did in the previous steps and why they didnt fully work. Another person, by definition, gives you an alternate perspective; the more outside your frame they are, the better. If they are a good friend or mentor, they will indubitably have advice tailored to you and your situation that has eluded you. --------------------- 20 Daily Reminders to Keep a Positive Mindset and SHINE ON
1. I am focused on living up to my full potential. This affirmation can help you push away thoughts about things that don’t truly matter in your life. When you can focus on what will help you reach your goals, you’ll have an easier time staying positive. Plus, with your mind on your goals, you’ll live up to your full potential and shine as you accomplish your goals. 2. I can work well and stay motivated under pressure. It’s easy to get discouraged when under pressure, but this affirmation can prevent negativity. Working effectively and staying motivated during high-pressure situations can make all the difference in how things turn out. Use this positive phrase each morning, and repeat it when you encounter obstacles throughout the day. 3. I am surrounded by people who want to see me do well in life. Reminding yourself that you have supportive, positive people in your life can help you keep a positive mindset. It’ll also help eliminate potentially toxic people who don’t support you or want to see you do well. By remembering all the great people in your life, you’ll feel better going forward. Plus, it’ll help you forget about anyone that hurt or upset you along the way. This daily reminder is one way to practice self-love, too. 4. I feel my confidence rising. By telling yourself that you feel your confidence rising, you’re sure to feel better. Sometimes all it takes is convincing yourself of something to make it happen. 5. I am free of old, negative beliefs that obstruct my path to success. By saying that you’re free of negative beliefs, it helps you let go of anything that holds you back. If you know something is obstructing your path, then you’ll want to free yourself of it right away. This phrase will help you form new beliefs that allow you to stay positive. 6. I am letting go of negative thoughts and feelings. Letting go of negative feelings about yourself or your life can make all the difference in your well-being. Negativity will hold you back and cause you to miss out on opportunities and experiences. This daily reminder can help you let go of any negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. 7. I am powerful enough to create success and prosperity. You have what it takes to obtain the success and prosperity you desire. When you know what you want in life, keep it in mind and don’t let anything stop you. You have all the power you need to make your dreams come true, so repeat this affirmation each day to help you refocus. 8. I have all the knowledge I need to make good decisions for myself. When you are confident in your knowledge, you’ll have an easier time making good decisions for yourself. You know what you need and want in life, so trust yourself to make it happen. 9. I am open-minded and ready to try new things. If you can keep an open mind, you’ll always feel a little more positive. Being open-minded can help you shine because it allows you to explore new paths to success. 10. I am willing to face my fears each day. Sometimes your fears will hold you back in life, but that can’t happen if you don’t let it. If you use this affirmation each morning, you’ll start your day on a positive note, ready to face things that scare you. When you live life this way, you’ll keep a positive mindset and shine, even when the situation isn’t ideal. 11. I am passionate about my goals. When you’re passionate, the things you work on will be meaningful and fulfilling. You’re more likely to stay positive and become successful when you have passion for your goals. Utilize this affirmation in your routine so that you can have daily reminders of why you’re working toward your dreams. 12. I am using what I have to make today a good day. Even if you feel like you’re missing something, you can use what you already have to make the day good. When you get started using what you already have, you’ll gain more tools throughout the day. Don’t allow negativity to prevent you from getting started because you’ll never find the things that make life easier. 13. I am creating a wonderful and prosperous life for myself.
This affirmation will set you up with the mindset necessary to reach your goals. You’ll be more likely to become successful and live a fulfilling life when you tell yourself you’re creating it. 14. I feel calm, confident, and powerful. No matter what you’re doing, if you feel calm, confident, and assertive, you’ll have a positive mindset. This affirmation is helpful if you are taking on new challenges. 15. I accept all that is good in the world.
Accepting the good in the world is the best way to keep a positive mindset and shine each day. It’ll also help you stay open-minded about new opportunities and experiences. When you’re always looking for the good in all situations, you’ll live a more fulfilling life, too. 16. I already have everything I need to overcome any obstacles. ADVERTISEMENT When you believe that you have everything it takes to overcome setbacks, you’ll feel better about each one. It’ll help you stay positive when things don’t go as planned, and it’ll help you come up with a new way to overcome the obstacles. Even if you feel like you’d have an easier time with more tools, you can do anything with what you already have. 17. I am enough, and I acknowledge my self-worth. Remembering that you’re enough is a great way to recognize your self-worth. Then, you can keep a positive mindset no matter what happens because you know that you’re worthy. With daily reminders that you’re enough, nothing will stand in your way of reaching your goals. 18. I celebrate each goal I accomplish. ADVERTISEMENT If you celebrate your accomplished goals, you’ll experience more gratitude and joy in life. No matter how small the goals seem, they are worth celebrating because it’s another step in the right direction. By celebrating each goal, you’ll have the motivation to tackle the next one. 19. I am looking for new and exciting paths to pursue in life. When you’re always discovering interesting and exciting paths, you will have an easier time staying positive. It will give your life more meaning, and you’ll feel more fulfilled along the way. Being open to new things is a sure way to help you stay positive as you’ll experience things you wouldn’t have otherwise. 20. I stay focused on my goals and take small steps each day to achieve them. Losing focus can cause a negative mindset as you fixate on things that aren’t essential in your life. Use this affirmation to stay focused on what truly matters, and you can stay positive. It’ll help you take the necessary steps to achieve your goals and overcome obstacles. If you ever notice other things taking over your thoughts, repeat this affirmation. It’ll help you refocus and maintain a positive mindset moving forward. Use the positive phrase each morning, and keep it in mind throughout the day to help you stay focused.
When you use positive affirmations, it requires regular practice to make long-term changes. If you use them every day, it’ll change how you think and feel. Then, you can maintain a positive mindset and shine no matter what’s going on around you. As you make affirming statements a habit, these daily reminders will pop into your head unprompted. When anything threatens to disrupt your peace, these positive phrases will replace the negativity. Start with one or two affirmations and as you become more comfortable, implement a few more. Before you know it, you’ll no longer struggle to keep a positive mindset. You’ll be happier, and you’ll shine no matter what’s going on around you.
Good and bad, its all the same: a Taoist parable to live by There are also professionals to talk to, especially if you feel that anger is often out of your control. Reflect on the severity and frequency of your anger, because an expert may be what you need if these episodes are disrupting your life. There is one more step, but its a bit dramatic and not so simple. Its an Eskimo custom of dealing with anger, as noted in Rebecca Solnits surprisingly fascinating book on the history of walking, Dont miss another Wisdom Project column by subscribing here. Walk in one direction for as long as you are aggrieved. When the emotion finally evaporates, drop a stick on the ground and head back, creating a physical manifestation "bearing witness to the strength or length of the rage." It not only combats the anger, it is also good for your heart. Exercise in general is good for reducing stress and anger. As for me, my inner Hulk shows its ugly face a lot less than it used to before I practiced this technique. Triggers are reduced as well. And I, and everyone around me, am better for it.
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