I promised when I started my blog, I won't be judgemental.  However, I am going to write down my feelings after reading certain articles.  There are lofs of good stories about family, good parents when I browsed through the blogs.  For example, when I read "當Howard遇上Vincent..." by guerrilla , I cried so bad. It was so encouraging that someone is raised in such a nice way.  But there are things I do not agree that I feel like to point out. Below was a response I wrote earlier this morning to a lady, in private of course, in the UDN blog.  She seems to be very smart, and doing lots of great things. I just re-post what I wrote to her in her guest book and modify a little bit.  One thing I want to emphasize is that "Things work(ed) for you do not necessary work for others, even your children!" Ultimate respect is the key for success, in any mean.

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I have learned so much from the teachers raising my children in the past three and half years.  The most important is respect.  When you ask your kid(s) to do something, you have to let them know what to respect, from the 10 year old Claire to your new Di-Di.  For example, we told our children that, "In two minutes, we are going to rea a book." when they are playing toys, etc.

Also, you and your housband have to agree on what is right/wrong, and (how to allow) what to tolerate, even (the) on certain mistakes.  And, to deal with kids, you also need to learn negotiation, for example, I got the tank instead of a dog for my son after going through the negotiation, even it cost so much more.  You have to leave the children some options. For example, for our children, instead of tell them "Kids, come to have dinner."  We asked them "Do you want to go to sit down on your chairs and help me to set up the table."  The goal is to have them sit at the table, so the mean doesn't matter too much.

Think about this, if we always think that "我從小也是用這方式被養大, 倒不覺有何不妥 " we have to think whether it is really the best way you can do.  鼓勵與獎賞 is something you have to do, but there is more than that.   I used them when the things are even more important, like when we potty trained our son, etc. 

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It was not that my parents were wrong, but it was just that it took me a long time to really  know myself, to understand myself. My parents' way worked for me, but I am not sure whether it will work for lots of other kids. I have really really tough personality. I have drive to be successful.  I am smart enough, IQ topped 180+ according to one of my test record,  and could do well if I decide to do something.  However, I would not call it a pleasant environment to grow up.  Plus, WE ARE LIVING IN A DIFFERENT WORLD AS WE GREW UP. 

Growing up in Taiwan, I always felt that I could be happier.  I always wanted to grow up, because I believed, or was taught, life would be better. All the work I was doing would helped me in the future.   If I did well at school, I could get into a better high school, then get into a better college, then get a better job, then get a better job, and then get a good wife, etc. There was always reason for me to do something, for to motivate myself to do somethingI had lots of doubts about the meaning of life.  Where was my right to be happy?  I was lucky that I was able to find happiness, accomplishment at sports, but where else could we find happiness.  I remember the only other thing I expected then was "Holiday/Vacations".  My friend, who I met last year in Taiwan, could testified this. He said "I couldn't believe a good student like you was so unhappy at school, too." He thought only bad/average students disliked our teachers, dislike school, disliked the way we were raised. Not the good students, especially not a good student and the sports star at school.  

When I accomplished my best goal in my athlete career in Taiwan, I found out everything was immaterial.  I had to re-discover myself. Was that why I struggled from time to time during each of my transition, from student to a soldier, from student to an employee, from an employee to an manager, from being a son to being a parentIt is human right to have option.  In US, you can not force you children to do things.  You can not punish your kids, physically.  Even raising your voice to your kids can become a evidence against you when it comes down to custody.   If you recall, one of my friend is a family court judge in Denver. I can tell you more about her cases. 

Only thing I know now is that I did not understand myself, or understand how to make myself happy until I played a seemly meaningless baseball league during my Ph. D program. I hope, in that aspect, my kids will do better than me.  Regarding career accomplishment, etc, their fates will decide for them.

For those who are expecting, this was the best gift my wife ever gave to me.

For Tina, this was when she got for herself:

What to Expect When You're Expecting, Third Edition (Paperback)
by Heidi Murkoff