1.         Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

2.         I had a rose named after me, and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

3.         Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.-- Mark Twain

4.         The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

5.         Santa Claus has the right idea:  Visit people only once a year.-- Victor Borge

6.         Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain

7.         By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

8.         I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- Groucho Marx

9.         My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Duran te

10.     I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

11.     Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:  alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.-- Alex Levine

12.     My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

13.     Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.-- Spike Milligan

14.     I am opposed to millionaires. .. but it would be   dangerous to offer me the position.-- Mark Twain

15.     Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.-- Joe Namath

16.     I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.-- Bob Hope

17.     I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.---W.C. Fields

18.     We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

19.     Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  . as you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill

20.     Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.-- Phyllis Diller

21.     By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

22.     The cardiologist' s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.