An Ideal Husband
理想丈夫

By Maureen Dowd

This weekend, we celebrate our great American pastime: messy celebrity divorces.
這個週末，我們歡度偉大美國人的消遣：生活糜亂名流的離婚事件。

There’s the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook fireworks on Long Island and the Madonna/Guy Ritchie/A-Rod Roman candle in New York.
名模克莉斯汀和建築師老公彼得在長島的離婚爭論。流行天后瑪丹娜與英國導演老公蓋瑞奇及棒球明星A-Rod在紐約的複雜關係。

So how do you avoid a relationship where you end up saying, “The man who I was living with, I just didn’t know who he was” — as Brinkley did in court when talking about her husband’s $3,000-a-month Internet porn and swinger site habit? (Not to mention the 18-year-old mistress/assistant.)
所以，如何避免當一段關係結束時說出：「我不知道和曾我共同生活過的男人，是誰。」就如同克莉斯汀在法庭上提到，她的丈夫每月在色情網站的花費達3,000美元。還沒算18歲的情婦兼助理。

Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest born in Australia and based in Bordentown, N.J., has spent his celibate life — including nine years as a missionary in India — mulling connubial bliss. His decades of marriage counseling led him to distill some “mostly common sense” advice about how to dodge mates who would maul your happiness.
79歲的帕‧康納神父，生於澳洲，現於新澤西州波登鎮傳教。將其單身生活用於鑽研如何使婚姻幸福。他的數十年婚姻咨詢經歷，精鍊出「最常識性」忠告，以躲過那些會毀了你幸福的伴侶。

“Hollywood says you can be deeply in love with someone and then your marriage will work,” the twinkly eyed, white-haired priest says. “But you can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married.”
白髮神父眨眼說到：「好萊塢說，你深愛一個人，你們的婚姻就會順利。但是，你可能深愛一個人，而婚姻卻失敗。」

For 40 years, he has been giving a lecture — “Whom Not to Marry” — to high school seniors, mostly girls because they’re more interested.
四十多年來，他針對高中生提供一項課程：誰不適嫁娶。上課的多半是女生，因為她們比較感興趣。

“It’s important to do it before they fall seriously in love, because then it will be too late,” he explains. “Infatuation trumps judgment.”
康納神父解釋道：「這堂課必須在深陷情網前修習，否則就會來不及了。因為迷戀勝過理智。」

I asked him to summarize his talk:
我請他綜整他的談話：

“Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.
首先他說，「別嫁給沒有朋友的男人，因為他勢必缺乏婚姻所需要的親密能力。我常驚訝，諮詢過的男性中，有很多人都沒什麼朋友。所謂物以類聚，從對方交往的朋友，便可看他是什麼樣的人。你的朋友和家人對他的觀感如何？但，有時朋友未必講真話，因為他們妒忌你超越了他們。這是嫉妒蒙蔽了判斷。

“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.
「他的金錢觀如何？會不會吝嗇？」婚姻出狀況常肇因於金錢，她勤儉持家，但他卻有十張信用卡。

“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.
「避開那些妳能操控他生活的人，他永遠指望妳。家裡要個門塾，但是不能當丈夫。」

“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)
「他會否過度依戀母親？當他要做決定時，例如要去哪度蜜月？不找妳商量，卻跑去問老媽。」（我知道一些案例，有些母親會陪伴新人一塊去度蜜月！）

“Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.
「他有沒有幽默感？它能掩飾多種罪惡。我的母親曾被問到，如何和三個男人（父親、兄弟和我）和諧相處。她以自大的口吻回答，方法很簡單，只須假設11歲以後，沒有成熟的男人。我父親笑翻了。

“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’
「我的臨床心理醫師朋友說，『大部分婚姻都是被沈默給殺死，而非暴力。』強悍寡言的男人雖然迷人，終究會毀壞了婚姻。世上最厭惡女人的保羅說得對，當面對另一半時，要基於愛說出實話，你將會成長。」

“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.
「別嫁給有性格缺陷的人，以為妳可改變他。他常酗酒，或有其他不良習性，如果娶了一個好女人，他就會安定下來。結婚後，男人還是原樣，恐怕會變本加厲。

“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? I remember counseling a pious Catholic woman that it might not be prudent to marry a pious Muslim, whose attitude about women was very different. Love trumped prudence; the annulment process was instigated by her six months later.
「好好地理性檢視他的家族，妳會更了解他，以及他對女性的態度。凱嫁給麥克‧柯里昂是個絕對的大錯！他的家族是否有人離婚？家人是否有種族歧視、兩性偏見？他的生命價值觀是否與妳相似？記得我曾咨商過一位虔誠的天主教徒，她未經深思熟慮便嫁給了一位虔誠的回教徒，他對女性的態度完全不同。愛情勝過謹慎。六個月後她提出解除婚姻。」

“Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic. One would have to pray that the fundamentalist doesn’t open the Bible and hit the page in which Abraham is willing to obey God and slit his son’s throat.
「想像一下，一位基本教義派和無神論者結婚，一方祈求基本教義者不要打開亞伯拉罕服從上帝指示準備割斷兒子喉嚨的那一頁，會怎樣。」

“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?
最後，「他是否擁有一個成為好人的性格特質？」例如願意寬恕、讚美、有禮？或者，他可能成為一個騙子？容易失控抓狂？甚至會妒忌妳？行事鬼祟？

“After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”
「當我向一個團體發表這個談話後，絕望的聲音響起：『你剔除了所有的人！』人生本來就不公平。」