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---------- Forwarded message ----------
Are you all right? Is all my correspondence the burden for you? If it is, please let me know, then I will stop. However, I would rather think that you embrace reading your mums heartfelt talking without her physical voice.
I am writing this mail with tears in my eyes. Is this the life God plans for me or the consequence out of my own doing?
I wanted a family, so I had a family through the bumpy journey. In the beginning, I had problem with the husband but I had the comfort from my baby.
Then I had my husband, but I lost my baby. I thought the baby was lost in her own right due to her age and it would be the part of the life we all had to accept. I assumed it was only one section of the journey to go through, and it would eventually turn out fine.
Darling, was it my naive assumption?
I used to believe that as the parents we tried to go with the reality - making money more in order to provide more for the family, for our daughter. Unfortunately we did not value ourselves right to give our time to whole family, to our dear daughter.
Now I am picking up the bits and pieces around the house. We make a study room for a proper study, we bought new bookcase (we bought one more now). Your dad is fussy about the position of the desk for the view, about the chair requiring the ergonomic design....... It is ironic as so many years passed by, we had not had an idea how to improve your living and studying environment, the food and the clothes......
Oh, Darling, I can not stand thinking of all these.. We thought we worked hard for the sake of the family but actually made you suffer physically and mentally.
Darling, how can we, or can I pay back to you and redeem my mistakes？
Darling, if this is the way God is punishing me then I have to accept. I would rather live without the family now. Now this family is a broken family, it is very hard to pretend that I have a family.
It took me 14 years to bring up a beautiful and healthy child, suddenly I lost her. In the ten years, the communications has been lost completely. My child could not understand the mother, she judged my words in the wrong way, just because of the failed communication.
Your dad said that you blamed him for his inability to control me and he believes it is my fault to make him as he is and it is the cause you decide to be away.
Oh, Darling, what can I say? You studied the psychology so dont you understand that the personality is either genetical or was built up through the upbringing from the childhood. Am I so capable to change my husbands personality?
Darling, I love you. I love you so much and you know it. All we need is the good communication. Please let me know your needs, what you want from me. I mean the changes you want about me. This is the matter of the communication.
If I knew that in the end I would not have a family at all, why I bothered to start a family in 1991?
If the experience of the process is all, if it turns out to be my failure. Yes, it is what I deserve to suck all up. But my child, why God should let you be hurt? God loves you, I dont believe that He plans for such a mess.
Darling, please, please talk, please speak up to me. Please show your anger to me. The silence is the worst punishment that you want me to take? Darling, it is the torture to me, to your dad and to yourself too.
Darling, please forgive me, forgive the ten 10 years I have been away, forgive me making effort more to keep the marriage rather than nurture my child, my family.
Darling, no matter what you decide. Please always take care of yourself. You are supposed to build up your own family in your own time. I will be always available to help when you are in need.
Have a good day. Darling
Love you always
|( 心情隨筆｜心情日記 )|