2/9/07 Fri. Weather light snow, but chilly winds… 
Mood indifferent

Sometimes, or perhaps lots of times, I wish that he'd be more aggressive.

He never really demands anything from me.

I've known other guys, who are just "going for it" when they want it.

Most of the times, the only times that he gets pushy… It's always on the emotional part.

He is
considered as a delicate and considerate person, and perhaps, it's why
he always want the best for me and try to protect me in HIS ways.

He avoids certain things in our relationship; just because he thinks they are not beneficial for me.

This makes me doubt about myself.

Doubt if I have any attraction to him.

Doubt if he has any desire for me at all.

Maybe, lower my self-esteem bit by bit as time goes on.

"Do you want me at all?" I ask. It's always been ordinary to me for lovers to perform close physical interactions with each other, even something related to sex.

"Um… Perhaps…I don't know." He always answers uncertainly.

Then, I'd get upset by the ambiguity in his voice and words.

After sensing my mood, he'd change his tone, "I do want you."

This doesn't make me any more cheerful, since I know he only says that because he thinks I WANT to HEAR it.

Of course, he explains his position clearly before. "I just want the best for you. I don't want to hurt you."

However, isn't it NATURAL? Isn't it NORMAL to want your lover?

It's possible that he's too shy to say things like that.

It's also likely that he doesn't know how to put certain things into words.

Conceivably, he just can not speak those words looking me straight in the eyes.

There is
something that I don't want to think about, but keep feeling it in the
atmosphere around me: He feels this is not right. He doesn't want it.
He doesn't want ME.

So, I grew quieter and quieter.

These days, I rarely speak any meaningful sentences.

I don't know.

Now, almost all the time, when I start talking to him, I get sleepy and fall asleep without any protest. I can't help myself.

I don't understand.

If you want it, then you say it.

I'm not saying that you can do that to EVERYONE in the world.

What I mean is, you can demand certain things from your lover, can't you?

If they don't want it, then THEY can reject it.

People
protect others in THEIR OWN ways, but a lot of times, they miss the
fact that their protection can actually to harm to the ones that they
want to guard.

I never know what he wants.

Always speaking in soft words with a playful tone, he hides his true-self beneath the teasing surface.

If you want me, then state that you do.

Or else, I really don't know what I am to you anymore.

You know I'd do things for you if you like them...

However, you don't have to worry about that I'd go beyond my limits.

I can make my own decision, and often, I believe that my choices are right.

Speak your mind clearly to me, so I don't have to guess what you really wants.

I don't understand why you always reject me on certain things, even if your rejection is uncertainty.

You said you'd give it to me IF I WANT IT.

Then what about you?

Don't you want it?

If you don't want it, then I will not force you or even talk to you about it.

I guess I don't really want it after all, since apparently that doesn't interest you.

Discouraged, I don't know what to say a lot of times.

It seems that we grow farther apart as time goes on now.

I still love you.

It's just I don't know.

Uncertainty hurts.