I can't understand. Or perhaps I never will.

    Ever since I had conscience, I've always been looking back on every single thing I've done and reconsidering if my way of disposing of it is alright. I manage to do so in order to improve myself on whatever will repeat in my life. So far, I think I've done pretty good, until just now.

    To those who attend class regularly and are willing to hand in their reports or whatever the homework would be, being in a group and sometimes sharing an assignment together would never be something not experienced. And some of them might even feel that there's got to be someone. Someone they can always depend, and someone who is not afraid of being the pioneer of doing anything.

    You might take a guess. Yes, that's right. That "someone" in my group on English is exactly "me".

    From the last semester, I've always been the practical leader of the group. Mind the word "practical," for a position like a group leader has never been assigned to each group by the instructor. Every group can think freely, speak freely, and of course, do what you prefer freely.

    Well, that's called "democracy".

    Whenever a topic is given to be discussed among members of the group, I've always been the one who start it all. Sometimes, I even do more. I'd categorize every detail in advance so that we can always step ahead of the class. Everyone wants to win, and so am I and my group members. In order to get higher scores for my team, I'd do the summary, I'd give an answer that is more profound, and most of the time, I'd be the spokesman when an announcement is needed. In short, I'd take care of the whole matter and make sure it's going to be the best.

    Of course, there comes the homework for groups. The big hungry world has a rule -- everyone is selfish. You might picture it when everyone is well acquainted that there is nobody going to make a start. And if that is the case, everyone dies. You may think of me coward, but I'd never dare to risk my report card, especially on English. Automatically, I take the challenge.

    A volunteer will end up in two consequences, hailed or ignored. For me, that doesn't really matter. What matters to me is that I'm sure I'm going to "live on" and that that makes it all worth while. I enjoy my heart being content, not the applause the others might give.

    Last week, we've got another assignment that required a group discussion. We were asked to pick two of the many phrases in an article given and make examples of the phrases we choose. After the discussion is done, we'll have to post the summary onto an online system called CEIBA, with the deadline being 23:00 on Monday. Needless to say, no body made the move. I was scared to death, but on the other hand, I somehow didn't feel surprised. After all, it's just like the old times. So I scanned the article in search of the phrases, looking them up, and making examples for each.

    I found eight, but we only need two. Still, it's a group assignment, so I can't just decide it on my own, can I? I mailed the eight examples to my group members and asked them to pick three and write me back by noon today so that I can sum up and post the two most rated, and that I anticipate their precious opinions.

    Guess what? Only one wrote me back by now.

    Okay, that was depressing, but I've already got used to it. It was a long letter from a friend. She's been pretty enthusiastic in schoolwork and I knew she won't be late for this. I clicked open her mail, and vividly I read. 

    But as I went down, I felt just like heavily "punched." She thanked me at first for what I've done for the team, and that she appreciated my examples. But by the end of the letter, she gave me a whole paragraph telling me that I shouldn't have done the most part of the homework, which has left the other members little chance to learn from the discussion -- a vital education opportunity. She indicated that it's relatively fair for everyone to propose their own thoughts and then the group discussion should come next. She said there is no reason that I'm to blame (What EXACTLY am I to blame??), and that she hoped that this wouldn't happen again next time.

    By the time I finished the letter, my blood ran cold all of a sudden. I almost heard my heart freeze. To be honest, I almost cried. I was shocked, totally shocked. I've never thought of this the third consequence.

    I wish I hadn't been such a fool. A fool who naively think that he is doing something right, that all he had done is worthwhile. I hate being someone who stupidly believe that by doing so he's saving everybody's time but it actually turns out to be a joke played on himself!

    Why do this to me? You know well there is no one who'd start it but me. You want to have a group discussion? Then why didn't you even bother starting it first? Why didn't you tell us where and when you wanted to hold a meeting so that we can solve the problem together? You simply DO NOTHING!

    So what do you think your letter is all about? What made you feel qualified to lecture on me? Tell me 'cause right now I'm dying to know! Tell me 'cause I'm badly hurting! You know what? No body had ever made me this furious!

    I've never tasted the power of the written words half as strong as it is. It leaves a scar, and the scar is running even deeper. You were right. "Don't ask, for time will prove everything."